01. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
02. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
03. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
04. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
05. Pay off your credit cards every month.
06. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
07. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
09. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worn ever blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Sunday
Saturday
Your Self-Confidence
Lacking self-confidence is par for the course for most of us for we all struggle with this to some degree.
So how do we overcome?
First
we do this by building on our successes and not on our failures—and on what we can do, not on what we can't do! For instance, I may be a terrible bricklayer but that doesn't make me a terrible person.
Second
More importantly, building up our self-confidence needs to come from within; that is, building up my belief in myself. This comes mostly from being open, honest and transparent with at least one or two trusted friends to whom I reveal my total self—warts and all. As they love and accept me as I am, little by little I learn (in a healthy way) to love and accept myself as I am. As we grow in self-love, it is amazing how our self-confidence increases.
Third
and how do I build up my God-confidence? By choosing to trust him no matter how I feel. When I am lacking in self-confidence, I keep saying to God, "I'm afraid, but I choose to trust you in this situation." Eventually my feelings catch up with my choice to trust God.
Fourth
we also build up God-confidence through experience—by stepping out and practicing faith in God and doing what we believe he wants us to do. As we see God using us, our God-confidence grows.
Thursday
The Experience of Love
The longer I worked at the ethics,the clearer it became that the understanding of
love should shape ethical theory rather than that ethical theory already formed on some other basis should determine what we consider in the experience of love.But it also became progressively clearer that the results could be deplorable without a detailed, precise, deep, consistent, accurate, understanding of love, which could be achieved only by a demanding philosophically serious study of love in its own right,free from concern for moral or clinical implications,free even (insofar as this is possible)from the screening and molding influence of an already accepted philosophical anthropology.For the latter also should be shaped by rather than shape our understanding of love.
This book is the account of a prolonged effort to produce an intelligible description of the human experience of love, that is, conscious human love with no further qualification.On the one hand, I have not attempted to achieve an ontology or a metaphysics of love, built on an analogous notion of love embracing all levels or dimensions of being, including impersonal or even non-conscious being,as is done by Plato, St.Thomas,Paul Tillich, or Teilhard de Chardin.My concern is with the human and in the human with what is conscious. On the other hand,I am not directly concerned with any of the qualified forms of conscious human love as such,for example, mature and immature, morally good and morally evil, romantic, parental, religious and so on.My aim is to uncover within these differently qualified forms of human love that by reason of which every one of them can without equivocation be called love if,indeed there is any such thing to uncover. Other topics or questions frequently discussed at length in writing on love (its power, its growth, its importance in human life) are relevant only insofar as they are helpful toward that limited goal. In the measure that we know precisely and deeply what human love is, we can with confidence of proceeding accurately take up in any depth the kinds of love, the growth of love, morally good and evil love, etc. And only when we know what conscious human love is can we hope to speak intelligently about love as a metaphysical category without danger of hidden equivocations.
The reaction of those who discovered I was writing a book on love has convinced me that it is imperative to justify “another book on love.” And this is especially necessary for a book that intends a philosophical answer to the question, what is human love? For I am sure there will be two principal reactions:isn ’t this a hopeless task?Or, hasn ’t this question been answered a hundred times?
The latter question reminds one of Hilaire Belloc ’s remark to the effect that many people live and die under the illusion that they have read Das Kapital.Similarly, most of those who ask this question live under the illusion that they have read some author who takes this question in all philosophical seriousness and answers it satisfactorily. Surely, to say the question has been answered a hundred times is supreme understatement; but to say it has been answered in all philosophical seriousness a half dozen times would probably be an overstatement. Let me explain what I mean.
It is a strange and striking fact that even those who write best about love devote very little space to considering what love is. The important problems are evidently thought to lie elsewhere. After a brief unquestioned and undeveloped declaration of or a few paragraphs on the nature of love, there are long discussions about the kinds of love, the power and effects of love,the stages of growth in love, the moral and psychological norms for love, the relation of love with knowledge, sex, justice, and so on. It is assumed that readers and writer know what love is and agree on what it is.
When,however,we examine carefully the explicit or implicit notions of love in the literature on the subject,we find a bewildering mass of different and often conflicting notions swarming before us. (For a detailed and discriminating account of the diverse opinions on love, see Hazo 1967. Unfortunately, I could not make use of this book which appeared after mine was already in press.) The disagreement is on the nature of the act itself and on the object of the act. Those who agree in some general way on the nature of the act of love may still differ on what the object can and ought to be. And conversely, those who agree on what the object is or ought to be may differ on what the nature of love is. Some will differ from each other on both counts. We even find one and the same author delivering several different definitions which are never integrated for us and sometimes do not seem reconcilable. The reader gets the impression that there is little general agreement among those who write on the subject except on one point: all agree that there are many current unsound notions of love. But there is notable disagreement on what
notions are sound and what are unsound.
Further, among these many notions of love, a good proportion are really not statements about human love in its basic reality at all but rather about what characterizes one sort of human love as against another. We are told the difference between agape and eros, mature and immature love,amor amicitiae and amor concupiscentiae, gift-love and need-love; we are told what is peculiar to romantic love or motherly love or married love or Christian love or some other sort of love.But what is love which can take these diverse forms we are not told. The adjectival is discussed, the substantival is passed over or confused with the former. And when authors do intend a substantival statement about love, the almost universal practice is to begin with a definition. Sometimes this definition is explained but hardly ever is there a serious effort to justify it in the face of other opposing definitions.The psychic realities pointed to by other definitions are brushed aside as “not really love,” or “not worthy of the name love,” without a criterion established for what really is love or worthy to he called love and what is really a simulacrum of it.
It would be a misunderstanding of my meaning in the preceding remarks, if the reader thought I intended to deny value to the work of those to whom we all owe so much. On the contrary, I wish to show a great deal more respect to them than they frequently do to each other. For in almost every case I find that in their positive statements about what love is, they have given us at least some partially true insight into the total concrete experience, and that what they build on that positively in their treatment of other questions, does have value. The total concrete experience has many elements; and to have light thrown on this or that element, even when it gets out of perspective or is mistaken for the central element, is truly a gain. It is hardly to be thought that the many sensitive and intelligent writers who have given us their observations and thinking on love were all missing the reality of love altogether and merely spinning out nonsense. I am only pointing out that most of what they say does not pertain to the particular question taken up in this book and that what does pertain to it is for the most part asserted without serious effort to justify it in the face of many conflicting views —that, therefore, an important task remains to be done.
It would also be a misunderstanding if readers thought I expected them to take my word for the preceding large assertions about the history of writings on love.These assertions are made in order to explain what I mean when say it is difficult to find even a handful of authors who have taken up with philosophical seriousness the question of what human love is.Without a detailed, documented, historical study to back up my assertions, I could not expect to win anyone ’s assent.On the other hand,it is my hope that what I have said and what is to be said in the historical chapters of this book may give pause to any hasty assumption that the question being dealt with here has already been adequately answered by many others.
There are those who say that if in asking what love is, I am looking for a description or definition of what is essential to every love, then I am embarked on a hopeless quest. I must fail as everyone else must fail for the very good reason that there is no such thing as the essence of love.They see all the diversity of notions about love as unavoidable. Thus, Douglas Morgan, in his excellent historical study of love in Plato, the Bible, and Freud, will have no part in searching for the essence of love.
It is finally in order here to disavow any intention of expounding the “real meaning ” or “essence ” of love.. There is no such thing. Love is, as the currently fashionable phrase has it, an “open concept.” If we are to be satisfied with only a unique,, universally applicable, all-time definition of “love,” we may as well not even enter upon our adventure (Morgan 1964,3). Carried to an extreme,to which I have no reason for thinking Mr. Morgan would want to carry it,this way of thinking ends in a nominalistic view.It is this way of thinking that Ortega y Gasset repudiates:
Clearly, it would be much more simple and convenient to think that love has infinite forms, that it is different in each case, etc. I hope always to remain aloof from the intellectual abasement which elicits this way of thinking and flatters inert minds so greatly. The ultimate mission of the intellect will always be to search for the “essence,” that is to say,, the unique mode of being of each reality (Ortega y Gasset 1957,196,n.5).
Some who agree with Ortega ’s antinominalistic attitude and even disagree with Morgan, nevertheless speak of two or more irreducible “loves,” each of them descriptively definable. The implication of this position is that there is no answer to the question, what is human love? The question has to be qualified: what is eroslove and agape love (Nygren 1953)? What is gift-love and need-love and appreciative love? (Lewis 1960,ch.1-2,esp.11-14,32-33; lest there be any
misunderstanding, the “four loves ” in the title of the book do not refer to four irreducible loves or elements in love but to three of these Lewis found combined in various ways in the four loves to which the title refers.) What is benevolent love, appetitive love, adoring love? (Benoît 1955; esp.ch.1 and 8; there is some indication that Benoît thinks of a common element in benevolent and appetitive lose which is not common to adoring love.)
In response to Morgan,it may fairly be required that before adopting such a position as he does we first examine experience to see whether in those experiences called love we do not find certain essential elements,structured in certain constant ways. I do not find that he or anyone else has done this and arrived at his conclusion. And in response to him and to those who hold several irreducible loves, we may fairly require that, before adopting such positions, an examination of experience be made to see whether there is not one radical element which is a necessary constant in all love and, if there is, whether there is not some common aspect in experiences generally called love which justifies a general concept of love. To my knowledge none of those who give us too or three irreducible forms of love have ever done this.
Assuming that the reader will grant tentatively the legitimacy of asking and trying to answer the question, what is human love, let me indicate how I intend to proceed. There are two main steps or parts. The first of these is a dialectical survey of opinions about what love is. The second is a reflection on the concrete experience of love. It might be thought, on the basis of what has already been said, that the principal or even sole reason for the first part is to show the confused state of thought on the nature of love and so to exhibit the need for what is to be done in the second part. If that were so, the historical material would be treated in a different way than it is, with many more authors included and a much less thorough discussion of any one of them. It is true that the first part is calculated to serve what might be called a negative purpose, showing that the question has not yet been adequately answered; but it has also and more important a positive function.To go directly to experience without any help from others who have done so and to achieve any accurate and deep descriptive analysis is far more difficult than might be imagined by one who has not tried it. The successes and the failures of others are of greatest importance —even when what has been said is only an assertion which is not established by any careful description nor defended against opposing views.What the most intelligent,sensitive
minds have seen in the experience of love can give us important leads. The consequences of their observations within their own thought and the conflicts between different views can enable us to take these leads critically. And, since the concrete experience of human love is a manifold of many elements, we may find hidden in an apparent jumble of opinions precious materials that can be clarified, made more precise, and related to one another in such a way as to help form an accurate description of what is in the full concrete experience.
The first part, the survey of opinions, is, therefore, undertaken primarily because of its positive value for the second part; and its scope is measured with that in mind. It does not pretend to be a thorough canvass of opinions nor a history of thought on love. The content is quite frankly and obviously selective, chosen and arranged with a view to the second part. Thus,there is a grouping of the many notions of love in such a way as to limit the confusion, to indicate the several main lines of thought along which opinions tend to converge, and to relate these dialectically rather than chronologically.
Attention should be called to certain consequences of the limited aim in the first part. Some famous contributors to the history of thought on love will not receive the attention the reader might expect if the aim of this study were broader in scope. For instance; those who have focused their study of love on some qualified form or forms enter our discussion only indirectly (e.g., Charles Williams on romantic love and Anders Nygren on agape and eros). Further, when an author is mentioned as presenting some notion of love in a certain book, I do not imply that this is the only definition of love. Authors may change their opinions over the years or may even within a single piece of writing at one time of life have worked with several notions of love, which notions may be compatible and complementary or may be incompatible and in tension within their thought. One and the same author, therefore, may appear under more than one heading. Thirdly, the notion of love chosen for our purposes when taken out of its full context will usually lose something of its complete and nuanced meaning Nevertheless, what remains will be accurate and sufficient for our purpose. That purpose is not to offer a fully balanced and adequate picture of any individual ’s thought on love. I am aware and want to insist that the reader be aware that the full meaning of any author ’s formula can only be fairly understood in its context. At the same time, I do not think I am distorting anyone ’s opinion: an inadequate presentation can be but need not be a misreading one unless it is presented as adequate. Finally, in this survey, no evaluation of the author ’s views is intended. The criticism which one author makes of another is sometimes necessary in order to bring out one ’s own thought and to highlight the conflicts which do exist. But, while drawing up a picture of the situation within which we will begin to rethink the whole question of love ’s nature, I wish myself to remain strictly expository. It may be necessary to criticize one author ’s understanding of the other in order to make the latter ’s view clear
and accurate. But in presenting each author ’s own notion of love, I shall try to maintain myself in the position of expositor until I begin the second part of the book, the direct study of experience. Here disagreement with the opinions presented in the survey will inevitably arise.
The second part is, then,the principal part of this book. It is an attempt to answer the question, what is love, by a methodic reflection on the experience of love, bringing the main conscious constituents of the total experience into the focus of attention, noting their interrelations, discerning what is radical among them, and making a descriptive analysis of the various aspects of that radical element. In doing this,full account will be taken of the main ways of thinking about love as these have appeared in the survey of part one, offering a reasoned evaluation and criticism.
The two parts taken together should provide what I mean by a response which takes with full philosophical seriousness the question, what is human love? Should you, the reader, not find the content of my answer to that question acceptable, you may nevertheless agree that there is a task still to be done, a task that can be done; and you may find in this effort some indication of how it is to be done.
love should shape ethical theory rather than that ethical theory already formed on some other basis should determine what we consider in the experience of love.But it also became progressively clearer that the results could be deplorable without a detailed, precise, deep, consistent, accurate, understanding of love, which could be achieved only by a demanding philosophically serious study of love in its own right,free from concern for moral or clinical implications,free even (insofar as this is possible)from the screening and molding influence of an already accepted philosophical anthropology.For the latter also should be shaped by rather than shape our understanding of love.
This book is the account of a prolonged effort to produce an intelligible description of the human experience of love, that is, conscious human love with no further qualification.On the one hand, I have not attempted to achieve an ontology or a metaphysics of love, built on an analogous notion of love embracing all levels or dimensions of being, including impersonal or even non-conscious being,as is done by Plato, St.Thomas,Paul Tillich, or Teilhard de Chardin.My concern is with the human and in the human with what is conscious. On the other hand,I am not directly concerned with any of the qualified forms of conscious human love as such,for example, mature and immature, morally good and morally evil, romantic, parental, religious and so on.My aim is to uncover within these differently qualified forms of human love that by reason of which every one of them can without equivocation be called love if,indeed there is any such thing to uncover. Other topics or questions frequently discussed at length in writing on love (its power, its growth, its importance in human life) are relevant only insofar as they are helpful toward that limited goal. In the measure that we know precisely and deeply what human love is, we can with confidence of proceeding accurately take up in any depth the kinds of love, the growth of love, morally good and evil love, etc. And only when we know what conscious human love is can we hope to speak intelligently about love as a metaphysical category without danger of hidden equivocations.
The reaction of those who discovered I was writing a book on love has convinced me that it is imperative to justify “another book on love.” And this is especially necessary for a book that intends a philosophical answer to the question, what is human love? For I am sure there will be two principal reactions:isn ’t this a hopeless task?Or, hasn ’t this question been answered a hundred times?
The latter question reminds one of Hilaire Belloc ’s remark to the effect that many people live and die under the illusion that they have read Das Kapital.Similarly, most of those who ask this question live under the illusion that they have read some author who takes this question in all philosophical seriousness and answers it satisfactorily. Surely, to say the question has been answered a hundred times is supreme understatement; but to say it has been answered in all philosophical seriousness a half dozen times would probably be an overstatement. Let me explain what I mean.
It is a strange and striking fact that even those who write best about love devote very little space to considering what love is. The important problems are evidently thought to lie elsewhere. After a brief unquestioned and undeveloped declaration of or a few paragraphs on the nature of love, there are long discussions about the kinds of love, the power and effects of love,the stages of growth in love, the moral and psychological norms for love, the relation of love with knowledge, sex, justice, and so on. It is assumed that readers and writer know what love is and agree on what it is.
When,however,we examine carefully the explicit or implicit notions of love in the literature on the subject,we find a bewildering mass of different and often conflicting notions swarming before us. (For a detailed and discriminating account of the diverse opinions on love, see Hazo 1967. Unfortunately, I could not make use of this book which appeared after mine was already in press.) The disagreement is on the nature of the act itself and on the object of the act. Those who agree in some general way on the nature of the act of love may still differ on what the object can and ought to be. And conversely, those who agree on what the object is or ought to be may differ on what the nature of love is. Some will differ from each other on both counts. We even find one and the same author delivering several different definitions which are never integrated for us and sometimes do not seem reconcilable. The reader gets the impression that there is little general agreement among those who write on the subject except on one point: all agree that there are many current unsound notions of love. But there is notable disagreement on what
notions are sound and what are unsound.
Further, among these many notions of love, a good proportion are really not statements about human love in its basic reality at all but rather about what characterizes one sort of human love as against another. We are told the difference between agape and eros, mature and immature love,amor amicitiae and amor concupiscentiae, gift-love and need-love; we are told what is peculiar to romantic love or motherly love or married love or Christian love or some other sort of love.But what is love which can take these diverse forms we are not told. The adjectival is discussed, the substantival is passed over or confused with the former. And when authors do intend a substantival statement about love, the almost universal practice is to begin with a definition. Sometimes this definition is explained but hardly ever is there a serious effort to justify it in the face of other opposing definitions.The psychic realities pointed to by other definitions are brushed aside as “not really love,” or “not worthy of the name love,” without a criterion established for what really is love or worthy to he called love and what is really a simulacrum of it.
It would be a misunderstanding of my meaning in the preceding remarks, if the reader thought I intended to deny value to the work of those to whom we all owe so much. On the contrary, I wish to show a great deal more respect to them than they frequently do to each other. For in almost every case I find that in their positive statements about what love is, they have given us at least some partially true insight into the total concrete experience, and that what they build on that positively in their treatment of other questions, does have value. The total concrete experience has many elements; and to have light thrown on this or that element, even when it gets out of perspective or is mistaken for the central element, is truly a gain. It is hardly to be thought that the many sensitive and intelligent writers who have given us their observations and thinking on love were all missing the reality of love altogether and merely spinning out nonsense. I am only pointing out that most of what they say does not pertain to the particular question taken up in this book and that what does pertain to it is for the most part asserted without serious effort to justify it in the face of many conflicting views —that, therefore, an important task remains to be done.
It would also be a misunderstanding if readers thought I expected them to take my word for the preceding large assertions about the history of writings on love.These assertions are made in order to explain what I mean when say it is difficult to find even a handful of authors who have taken up with philosophical seriousness the question of what human love is.Without a detailed, documented, historical study to back up my assertions, I could not expect to win anyone ’s assent.On the other hand,it is my hope that what I have said and what is to be said in the historical chapters of this book may give pause to any hasty assumption that the question being dealt with here has already been adequately answered by many others.
There are those who say that if in asking what love is, I am looking for a description or definition of what is essential to every love, then I am embarked on a hopeless quest. I must fail as everyone else must fail for the very good reason that there is no such thing as the essence of love.They see all the diversity of notions about love as unavoidable. Thus, Douglas Morgan, in his excellent historical study of love in Plato, the Bible, and Freud, will have no part in searching for the essence of love.
It is finally in order here to disavow any intention of expounding the “real meaning ” or “essence ” of love.. There is no such thing. Love is, as the currently fashionable phrase has it, an “open concept.” If we are to be satisfied with only a unique,, universally applicable, all-time definition of “love,” we may as well not even enter upon our adventure (Morgan 1964,3). Carried to an extreme,to which I have no reason for thinking Mr. Morgan would want to carry it,this way of thinking ends in a nominalistic view.It is this way of thinking that Ortega y Gasset repudiates:
Clearly, it would be much more simple and convenient to think that love has infinite forms, that it is different in each case, etc. I hope always to remain aloof from the intellectual abasement which elicits this way of thinking and flatters inert minds so greatly. The ultimate mission of the intellect will always be to search for the “essence,” that is to say,, the unique mode of being of each reality (Ortega y Gasset 1957,196,n.5).
Some who agree with Ortega ’s antinominalistic attitude and even disagree with Morgan, nevertheless speak of two or more irreducible “loves,” each of them descriptively definable. The implication of this position is that there is no answer to the question, what is human love? The question has to be qualified: what is eroslove and agape love (Nygren 1953)? What is gift-love and need-love and appreciative love? (Lewis 1960,ch.1-2,esp.11-14,32-33; lest there be any
misunderstanding, the “four loves ” in the title of the book do not refer to four irreducible loves or elements in love but to three of these Lewis found combined in various ways in the four loves to which the title refers.) What is benevolent love, appetitive love, adoring love? (Benoît 1955; esp.ch.1 and 8; there is some indication that Benoît thinks of a common element in benevolent and appetitive lose which is not common to adoring love.)
In response to Morgan,it may fairly be required that before adopting such a position as he does we first examine experience to see whether in those experiences called love we do not find certain essential elements,structured in certain constant ways. I do not find that he or anyone else has done this and arrived at his conclusion. And in response to him and to those who hold several irreducible loves, we may fairly require that, before adopting such positions, an examination of experience be made to see whether there is not one radical element which is a necessary constant in all love and, if there is, whether there is not some common aspect in experiences generally called love which justifies a general concept of love. To my knowledge none of those who give us too or three irreducible forms of love have ever done this.
Assuming that the reader will grant tentatively the legitimacy of asking and trying to answer the question, what is human love, let me indicate how I intend to proceed. There are two main steps or parts. The first of these is a dialectical survey of opinions about what love is. The second is a reflection on the concrete experience of love. It might be thought, on the basis of what has already been said, that the principal or even sole reason for the first part is to show the confused state of thought on the nature of love and so to exhibit the need for what is to be done in the second part. If that were so, the historical material would be treated in a different way than it is, with many more authors included and a much less thorough discussion of any one of them. It is true that the first part is calculated to serve what might be called a negative purpose, showing that the question has not yet been adequately answered; but it has also and more important a positive function.To go directly to experience without any help from others who have done so and to achieve any accurate and deep descriptive analysis is far more difficult than might be imagined by one who has not tried it. The successes and the failures of others are of greatest importance —even when what has been said is only an assertion which is not established by any careful description nor defended against opposing views.What the most intelligent,sensitive
minds have seen in the experience of love can give us important leads. The consequences of their observations within their own thought and the conflicts between different views can enable us to take these leads critically. And, since the concrete experience of human love is a manifold of many elements, we may find hidden in an apparent jumble of opinions precious materials that can be clarified, made more precise, and related to one another in such a way as to help form an accurate description of what is in the full concrete experience.
The first part, the survey of opinions, is, therefore, undertaken primarily because of its positive value for the second part; and its scope is measured with that in mind. It does not pretend to be a thorough canvass of opinions nor a history of thought on love. The content is quite frankly and obviously selective, chosen and arranged with a view to the second part. Thus,there is a grouping of the many notions of love in such a way as to limit the confusion, to indicate the several main lines of thought along which opinions tend to converge, and to relate these dialectically rather than chronologically.
Attention should be called to certain consequences of the limited aim in the first part. Some famous contributors to the history of thought on love will not receive the attention the reader might expect if the aim of this study were broader in scope. For instance; those who have focused their study of love on some qualified form or forms enter our discussion only indirectly (e.g., Charles Williams on romantic love and Anders Nygren on agape and eros). Further, when an author is mentioned as presenting some notion of love in a certain book, I do not imply that this is the only definition of love. Authors may change their opinions over the years or may even within a single piece of writing at one time of life have worked with several notions of love, which notions may be compatible and complementary or may be incompatible and in tension within their thought. One and the same author, therefore, may appear under more than one heading. Thirdly, the notion of love chosen for our purposes when taken out of its full context will usually lose something of its complete and nuanced meaning Nevertheless, what remains will be accurate and sufficient for our purpose. That purpose is not to offer a fully balanced and adequate picture of any individual ’s thought on love. I am aware and want to insist that the reader be aware that the full meaning of any author ’s formula can only be fairly understood in its context. At the same time, I do not think I am distorting anyone ’s opinion: an inadequate presentation can be but need not be a misreading one unless it is presented as adequate. Finally, in this survey, no evaluation of the author ’s views is intended. The criticism which one author makes of another is sometimes necessary in order to bring out one ’s own thought and to highlight the conflicts which do exist. But, while drawing up a picture of the situation within which we will begin to rethink the whole question of love ’s nature, I wish myself to remain strictly expository. It may be necessary to criticize one author ’s understanding of the other in order to make the latter ’s view clear
and accurate. But in presenting each author ’s own notion of love, I shall try to maintain myself in the position of expositor until I begin the second part of the book, the direct study of experience. Here disagreement with the opinions presented in the survey will inevitably arise.
The second part is, then,the principal part of this book. It is an attempt to answer the question, what is love, by a methodic reflection on the experience of love, bringing the main conscious constituents of the total experience into the focus of attention, noting their interrelations, discerning what is radical among them, and making a descriptive analysis of the various aspects of that radical element. In doing this,full account will be taken of the main ways of thinking about love as these have appeared in the survey of part one, offering a reasoned evaluation and criticism.
The two parts taken together should provide what I mean by a response which takes with full philosophical seriousness the question, what is human love? Should you, the reader, not find the content of my answer to that question acceptable, you may nevertheless agree that there is a task still to be done, a task that can be done; and you may find in this effort some indication of how it is to be done.
Wednesday
Principle Of Love
"Hey, baby, everybody's got a market value! Everybody wears a price tag." How pretty is she? How much prestige does he have? How blue is her blood? How much power does he wield? Are they rich, intelligent, nice? What can they do for me?
Does this sound ugly? Researchers tell us love is not really blind. Everybody—even the nicest people—has a touch of crass when it comes to choosing a long-term partner. It's no different than in the business world where everybody asks, "WIIFM?" What's in it for me?
I can hear some of you protesting, "No, love is pure and compassionate. It involves caring, altruism, communion, and selflessness. That's what love is all about." Yes, that's what love is all about when good people are truly in love. You've probably even met couples who are deeply devoted and would sacrifice everything for each other. Yes, this kind of selfless love that we all dream of having exists. But it comes later—much later. It comes only after you've made your partner fall in love with you.
If you want to make someone fall in love with you, researchers say, you must initially convince them they're getting a good deal. We may not be conscious of it but, science tells us, tried and true market principles apply to love relationships. Lovers unconsciously calculate the other person's comparable worth, the cost-benefit ratio of the relationship, the hidden costs, the maintenance fee, and the assumed depreciation. Then they ask themselves, "Is this the best offer I can get?" Everybody has a big scorecard locked away in their heart. And, in order to make people fall in love with you, you have to make them feel they're getting a very good deal.
Is all lost if you weren't born drop-dead gorgeous, or if your grandfather's name wasn't Vanderbilt or Kennedy, or if you don't have the compassion of a Dr. Schweitzer? No. In Part Three, we will explore silver-tongued verbal skills to replace the silver spoon that was never in our mouths when we were born. In that way, we can satisfy some very choosy Quarry.
Does this sound ugly? Researchers tell us love is not really blind. Everybody—even the nicest people—has a touch of crass when it comes to choosing a long-term partner. It's no different than in the business world where everybody asks, "WIIFM?" What's in it for me?
I can hear some of you protesting, "No, love is pure and compassionate. It involves caring, altruism, communion, and selflessness. That's what love is all about." Yes, that's what love is all about when good people are truly in love. You've probably even met couples who are deeply devoted and would sacrifice everything for each other. Yes, this kind of selfless love that we all dream of having exists. But it comes later—much later. It comes only after you've made your partner fall in love with you.
If you want to make someone fall in love with you, researchers say, you must initially convince them they're getting a good deal. We may not be conscious of it but, science tells us, tried and true market principles apply to love relationships. Lovers unconsciously calculate the other person's comparable worth, the cost-benefit ratio of the relationship, the hidden costs, the maintenance fee, and the assumed depreciation. Then they ask themselves, "Is this the best offer I can get?" Everybody has a big scorecard locked away in their heart. And, in order to make people fall in love with you, you have to make them feel they're getting a very good deal.
Is all lost if you weren't born drop-dead gorgeous, or if your grandfather's name wasn't Vanderbilt or Kennedy, or if you don't have the compassion of a Dr. Schweitzer? No. In Part Three, we will explore silver-tongued verbal skills to replace the silver spoon that was never in our mouths when we were born. In that way, we can satisfy some very choosy Quarry.
I Want a Lover Just Like Dear
If you pass the first impressions test, you enter the second phase. Here your Quarry starts making judgments about you as a Potential Love Partner. His or her subconscious mind is saying, "I want someone like me. Well, almost like me."
If there is to be compatibility for a lifetime, or even for a date, some similarity is necessary. Our hearts are finely tuned instruments that seek someone who has values similar to ours, who holds beliefs similar to ours, and who looks at the world in more or less the same way we do. Similarity makes us feel good because it confirms the choices we have spent our whole lives making. We also look for people who enjoy the same activities so we can have
fun together. Similarity is indeed a launch pad for a good relationship takeoff. But we get bored with too much similarity. Besides, we need somebody to make up for our lacks. If we have no head for mathematics, who is going to balance the checkbook? If we are sloppy, who is going to pick up our socks?
So we also look for complementary qualities in a long-term love partner. But not any complementary qualities—only the ones we find interesting or that enhance our lives. Hence, we seek someone who is both similar and complementary. In Part Two, we will explore methods of planting subliminal seeds of similarity in your Quarry's heart and ways to make him or her know that, even though you two are basically alike, you are different in so many utilitarian, fun, and interesting ways.
If there is to be compatibility for a lifetime, or even for a date, some similarity is necessary. Our hearts are finely tuned instruments that seek someone who has values similar to ours, who holds beliefs similar to ours, and who looks at the world in more or less the same way we do. Similarity makes us feel good because it confirms the choices we have spent our whole lives making. We also look for people who enjoy the same activities so we can have
fun together. Similarity is indeed a launch pad for a good relationship takeoff. But we get bored with too much similarity. Besides, we need somebody to make up for our lacks. If we have no head for mathematics, who is going to balance the checkbook? If we are sloppy, who is going to pick up our socks?
So we also look for complementary qualities in a long-term love partner. But not any complementary qualities—only the ones we find interesting or that enhance our lives. Hence, we seek someone who is both similar and complementary. In Part Two, we will explore methods of planting subliminal seeds of similarity in your Quarry's heart and ways to make him or her know that, even though you two are basically alike, you are different in so many utilitarian, fun, and interesting ways.
Monday
How to Solve Problems like an Expert
How you become an expert? Many people think that you will become an expert if you study hard and gain a lot of experience. Study and experience may be necessary to become an expert, but in and of themselves, they are not sufficient. People who think otherwise can work for years and years before they nally realize that they were wrong. In all domains experts have more than just a lot of knowledge and experience. Because they think differently, they are able to solve problems that stump everyone else.
How is an expert different from a competent person who is not an expert? Take as an example the distinguished neurologist Norman Geschwind, until his death one of the leading experts in the world. Most competent doctors are products of their professional training. The more highly competent they are, the more meticulously they follow the accepted rules and principles they were taught. On the other hand, an expert like Dr.Geschwind is someone who understood when accepted knowledge applied and when you needed to .nd something different. Experts listen to their instincts even when most other competent people would go along with the crowd.
In the mid twentieth century ,when Geschwind entered medicine, an antilocalization bias dominated neurology. At the time, neurologists did not consider the specic part of the brain damaged to be especially important. This was particularly true in the case of aphasia, a neurological condition that affects people ability to understand and producelanguage.While working in an aphasia unit,Geschwind noticed thatthere were marked differences from one aphasia patient to another. In spite of his lessons from medical school,it was obvious to Geschwind that differences among patients were associated with the location of the brain damage.As a result,he was able to offer precise diagnoses that eluded his more conventional colleagues.
If you observe real experts,you will notice they differ from one another as much as they differ from everyone else.Why is that?Experts tend to develop their own personal working style.Some are systematic and orderly;others wait for the moment of sudden discovery.Some think about design and aesthetic issues right from the start;others prefer to begin working on functional problems and only integrate design later on.Some like to wake up early and .nish early;others do their best work late at night. Can you learn to solve problems like an expert? To become an expert problem solver,you .rst need to know the techniques that the best problem solvers use.But you cannot just rigidly follow other people methods.You also need to think about your own natural problem solving style.You can know the methods that even the most eminent scientists use.But you will not become an expert problem solver until you integrate these techniques into your own natural style. Mind consciousness can help you learn to solve problems like an expert just as it helps to extend your mind in other directions.If you could learn problem solving simply by reading a book,mind conscious ness might be super .uous.The process is different when you need to integrate something new into your existing style of thinking.It makes sense to begin by understanding your own natural problem solving style.
Wednesday
Change by Expanding the Mind
How will you adapt to this new social reality?
Many routes are open to you, from buying a more powerful computer to studying economics. For most people, one clear starting place is to concentrate on your own mind and to develop the capacities that new circumstances will reward. In other words, develop and expand your own intelligence. Is it actually possible to increase your own intelligence? Many people still see intelligence as a fixed resource measured by IQ tests. Interestingly, psychologists have increasingly come to reject this view. In 1995 psychologist David Perkins, a professor at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, published Outsmarting IQ: The Emerging Science of Learnable Intelligence. In this book, Perkins spoke for a growing number of psychologists who reject the notion that intelligence cannot change.
What has caused this revolution in thinking among psychologists?
Perkins and other psychologists came to realize that intellectual abilities are in essence no different from other kinds of know-how. Acquiring the knowledge that IQ tests measure is essentially no different from developing any other ability, such as drawing or swimming.
Virtually everybody can draw, at least to some extent, except for people who suffer from a severe handicap. Give children crayons or pencils and they will draw. Even crippled or disturbed children usually enjoy drawing. Nevertheless, except for a gifted minority, most people do not draw especially well. They can learn to draw well, of course, but only by study and practice. They can improve their skill even further by reading books or taking courses that present advanced drawing techniques and art theory. Drawing is a learnable skill. The proof lies in the number of people who have learned to draw. Swimming is another learnable skill. If you want to swim well, you need considerable practice and almost certainly at least some instruction.
Now here is the crucial question: aren’t intelligence and thinking just as learnable as drawing and swimming?
Like drawing and swimming, exercising your mind is something that you do naturally. Nevertheless, without practice, your skill as a thinker can remain rudimentary. Howcan you strengthen your mind? The purpose of this book is to offer methods, tools, and information that can help you to use your mind more successfully. What your mind can achieve is indeed amazing. That is why I call this ability mind magic.
Many routes are open to you, from buying a more powerful computer to studying economics. For most people, one clear starting place is to concentrate on your own mind and to develop the capacities that new circumstances will reward. In other words, develop and expand your own intelligence. Is it actually possible to increase your own intelligence? Many people still see intelligence as a fixed resource measured by IQ tests. Interestingly, psychologists have increasingly come to reject this view. In 1995 psychologist David Perkins, a professor at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, published Outsmarting IQ: The Emerging Science of Learnable Intelligence. In this book, Perkins spoke for a growing number of psychologists who reject the notion that intelligence cannot change.
What has caused this revolution in thinking among psychologists?
Perkins and other psychologists came to realize that intellectual abilities are in essence no different from other kinds of know-how. Acquiring the knowledge that IQ tests measure is essentially no different from developing any other ability, such as drawing or swimming.
Virtually everybody can draw, at least to some extent, except for people who suffer from a severe handicap. Give children crayons or pencils and they will draw. Even crippled or disturbed children usually enjoy drawing. Nevertheless, except for a gifted minority, most people do not draw especially well. They can learn to draw well, of course, but only by study and practice. They can improve their skill even further by reading books or taking courses that present advanced drawing techniques and art theory. Drawing is a learnable skill. The proof lies in the number of people who have learned to draw. Swimming is another learnable skill. If you want to swim well, you need considerable practice and almost certainly at least some instruction.
Now here is the crucial question: aren’t intelligence and thinking just as learnable as drawing and swimming?
Like drawing and swimming, exercising your mind is something that you do naturally. Nevertheless, without practice, your skill as a thinker can remain rudimentary. Howcan you strengthen your mind? The purpose of this book is to offer methods, tools, and information that can help you to use your mind more successfully. What your mind can achieve is indeed amazing. That is why I call this ability mind magic.
Free Your Imagination
Especially to people who see themselves as hard-headed realists, telling you to free your imagination seems like the worst possible advice. Perhaps you know people who feel that way. Self-styled realists often equate imagination with wishful thinking, and they see imagination as
a way of avoiding reality, its unpleasant side in particular. For them, exercising their imagination is fundamentally opposed to facing reality. But too much pessimism can be just as dangerous as too much wishful thinking, and perhaps even more so. The Danish storyteller Hans
Christian Andersen describes its effects in his fairy tale “The Snow Queen.”
As the story begins, the most wicked of all the gnomes, the Evil One himself, has devised a terrible invention. He has invented a looking glass with the peculiarity that anything good or fair disappears into nothing when reflected in the mirror, while anything bad or foul becomes much worse. In this mirror, the loveliest landscapes look like cooked spinach, and the most attractive people become ugly and stand on their heads. Anyone who has a freckle can be sure that it now covers his or her nose and mouth. Faces become so distorted that no one can recognize them.
You might expect that the people would keep away from such a wicked invention, but just the opposite happens. People go to the Gnome School, run by the Evil One, and proclaim far and wide that a miracle has happened. They hold up the distorting mirror so that every-
one can see it. “Now at last,” they say, “you can see how the world and mankind really look.”
What they saw had no more to do with reality than would the contents of a mirror that reflected only what was beautiful and pleasant. But they had become so cynical and pessimistic that they could no longer recognize this. Pessimists who see nothing but bad are just as deluded as optimists who see nothing but good.
The people in “The Snow Queen” in effect suffered from a mild or perhaps not so mild—form of depression. They had become so demoralized that they could no longer distinguish between being realistic and being pessimistic. There are a number of possible explanations for why this may have happened. Perhaps they genuinely had experienced such unhappy lives that they had no choice except to believe the worst. Perhaps they were poor at problem solving and became discouraged when they could not cope. Perhaps they were unduly influenced by pessimism in the surrounding culture. But whatever the reason, the effect was to undermine and cloud their judgment. To believe that things can never become better is self-destructive. Too much pessimism saps morale and paralyzes the mind. It can make you feel so convinced things have to be bad that you unconsciously make them turn out that way. The optimistic belief that things can be better is the spark that ignites imagination. Imagination in turn enables creative innovation and adaptive change.
a way of avoiding reality, its unpleasant side in particular. For them, exercising their imagination is fundamentally opposed to facing reality. But too much pessimism can be just as dangerous as too much wishful thinking, and perhaps even more so. The Danish storyteller Hans
Christian Andersen describes its effects in his fairy tale “The Snow Queen.”
As the story begins, the most wicked of all the gnomes, the Evil One himself, has devised a terrible invention. He has invented a looking glass with the peculiarity that anything good or fair disappears into nothing when reflected in the mirror, while anything bad or foul becomes much worse. In this mirror, the loveliest landscapes look like cooked spinach, and the most attractive people become ugly and stand on their heads. Anyone who has a freckle can be sure that it now covers his or her nose and mouth. Faces become so distorted that no one can recognize them.
You might expect that the people would keep away from such a wicked invention, but just the opposite happens. People go to the Gnome School, run by the Evil One, and proclaim far and wide that a miracle has happened. They hold up the distorting mirror so that every-
one can see it. “Now at last,” they say, “you can see how the world and mankind really look.”
What they saw had no more to do with reality than would the contents of a mirror that reflected only what was beautiful and pleasant. But they had become so cynical and pessimistic that they could no longer recognize this. Pessimists who see nothing but bad are just as deluded as optimists who see nothing but good.
The people in “The Snow Queen” in effect suffered from a mild or perhaps not so mild—form of depression. They had become so demoralized that they could no longer distinguish between being realistic and being pessimistic. There are a number of possible explanations for why this may have happened. Perhaps they genuinely had experienced such unhappy lives that they had no choice except to believe the worst. Perhaps they were poor at problem solving and became discouraged when they could not cope. Perhaps they were unduly influenced by pessimism in the surrounding culture. But whatever the reason, the effect was to undermine and cloud their judgment. To believe that things can never become better is self-destructive. Too much pessimism saps morale and paralyzes the mind. It can make you feel so convinced things have to be bad that you unconsciously make them turn out that way. The optimistic belief that things can be better is the spark that ignites imagination. Imagination in turn enables creative innovation and adaptive change.
Monday
101 Romantic Ideas
1. Remember to say "I love you" and "I need you" often.2. Walk hand in hand in the rain.
3. Write a love poem.
4. Call a radio station and dedicate a favorite song.
5. Write "I Love You" in lipstick or shaving cream on the mirror.
6. Hide love notes in a lunch box, briefcase or purse.
7. Make heart-shaped cinnamon toast for breakfast.
8. Place a love note in the personals section of the newspaper.
9. Take a carriage ride around the city.
10. Plan a surprise getaway.
11. Do your mate's household chores.
12. Write notes on future dates in their date book ("I love you," I miss you," etc.)
13. Make reservations at a favorite restaurant.
14. Let them choose the movie.
15. Give a foot massage.
16. Make a heart-shaped bookmark, and place it in their book.
17. Pop in a romantic music CD and slow dance.
18. Throw a just-because surprise party for two.
19. Buy a stuffed animal for your honey.
20. Read each other's horoscopes.
21. Make a list of the top 10 things you love about your partner.
22. Display it in a prominent place.
23. Tattoo your mate's name on your body.
24. Make an album or scrapbook of your favorite memories together.
25. Go camping together and only take one sleeping bag.
26. Send a mushy message in a bottle...a balloon...a sandwich...
27. Cut out a silly cartoon that you know they'd enjoy.
28. Shower together.
29. Dim the lights, and snuggle together on the couch.
30. Be the first to say "I'm sorry" and kiss and make up.
31. Give each other a full-body massage.
32. Kiss every hour on the hour all day long.
33. Send a gift basket of indulgent items.
34. Write "I'm hot for you" in the steam on the bathroom mirror.
35. Ribbon wrap your bed with a big bow.
36. Fill up the gas tank of your partner's car.
37. Act like teenagers. Maybe even pierce something!
38. Show up with a bouquet of flowers -- for no reason at all.
39. Play Scrabble® together, using as many "love" words as you can.
40. Run a warm bubble bath for your partner, with lots of lit candles.
41. Meet in the park for a picnic.
42. Hold hands.
43. Leave a trail of rose petals through the house, leading to a romantic candlelight dinner.
44. Make a donation in your mate's name to a special cause or charity.
45. Pick up their clothes from the floor -- without saying a word about it.
46. Watch an old black and white romantic movie and share a bowl of popcorn.
47. Reenact your first date.
48. Surprise your partner with tickets to a special event.
49. An unexpected hug can brighten any day.
50. Buy a silly, impromptu gift.
51. Send an email just to say "I'm thinking of you."
52. Bring home a balloon bouquet.
53. Serve breakfast in bed.
54. Make an ornament with a picture of both of you for the Christmas tree.
55. Play tag.
56. Wash and wax your partner's car, and leave a little note on the dashboard.
57. Plant a garden together.
58. Leave a mushy message on voicemail.
59. Stay at a hotel for the night, just because.
60. Make angels in the snow.
61. Every time you say "hello" or "goodbye", seal it with a hug and a kiss.
62. Take a drive in the country.
63. Spend the evening looking at the stars -- and make a wish together.
64. Cast a playful wink any time, anywhere.
65. Think up a list of silly little pet names for times when you're alone together.
66. Read poetry to each other.
67. Celebrate your half-birthdays together.
68. Put a picture of both of you in your wallet.
69. Buy that favorite book or CD for no reason at all.
70. Send a care package to work filled with treats like food, photos, candy, a love note, heart-shaped confetti, etc.
71. Go out for the evening and tell people you're on your honeymoon.
72. Take a hike together and carve your initials in a tree.
73. Write a thank you note for all the things you take for granted.
74. Make a fire in the fireplace and roast marshmallows.
75. Tape your favorite TV show and spend the evening talking.
76. Do the dishes together, then apply hand lotion to each other's hands.
77. Write a love letter to your partner and cut it into jigsaw puzzle pieces.
78. Decide on secret signals and use them to communicate with each other in large groups of people.
79. Schedule a regular mid-week "date night" for just the two of you.
80. Do the laundry together.
81. Romance Theater Weekend: reenact each other's favorite love scene - hers on Friday, his on
Saturday.
82. Call your partner at work and ask for a date.
83. Pretend you haven't seen each other for a month. Act accordingly.
84. Send a written invitation to do something special.
85. Take turns reading to each other.
86. Stand outside the window and sing a romantic song.
87. Hide favorite candy in your partner's coat pockets.
88. Put a tape recording of your voice (saying anything) in the car stereo and turn it on so it plays when the car starts.
89. Go to a drive-in movie.
90. Get up to turn off the last light after you're both comfy-cozy in bed.
91. Hold each other tight during a thunderstorm.
92. Make a tape recording of favorite love songs.
93. Leave a bunch of bananas on the kitchen table with a note, "I go bananas over you!"
94. Hide love notes in a magazine.
95. Declare your undying love via a telegram.
96. Make a romantic dinner together, and serve it on your finest china.
97. Surprise your partner with a big kiss on the neck.
98. Give unexpected compliments.
99. Share an ice cream cone.
100. Have a picnic on the living room floor.
101. Draw a silly picture of the two of you. Frame it.
Success
law of successThe first law of success is concentration.
Concentration is your magic key that opens the door to accomplishing anything...
When your physical and mental resources are focused,
your power to resolve problems multiples tremendously.
To do two things at once is to do neither...
Bend all of your energies to one point,
and go directly to that point,
looking neither to the right nor to the left...
Nothing can add more power to your life as much as concentrating
all your energies on a limited set of targets...
The sun's rays do not burn until brought to a focus.
Success is the result of well directed energy...
Saturday
Rules of Flirting...
Frankly speaking flirting is an art and you need special skills to master it. You do not have to be some beauty queen or a celebrity to make guys fall for you and go gaga over you. All you need is your gorgeous smile and few guaranteed flirting tips like the ones you'll find below to attract the opposite sex.
Rule 1 # Eyes have it all:
Lock eyes with the person you're flirting with for a full five to six seconds, then smile and drop your gaze. Please don't stare at him and make him feel embarrassed. Just give him a soft smoldering look and look away. Do this at least three times in a ten to fifteen-minute period. This way you will make him know that you are interested and approachable.
Rule 2 # Smile:
Smiling is absolutely the most effective tool in your flirting toolbox. Psychology and body language experts agree that one of the most important things you can do to make yourself more attractive (and approachable) is to smile.
Rule 3 # Expose your neck:
One of the most winning flirting techniques a woman can use is the exposure of her neck. This can be done with a head tilt to one side, the classic hair flip or the over-the-shoulder glance. According to body language experts this asymmetrical position attracts attention, exposes your neck, and makes a woman very attractive and sexy. The over-the-shoulder move also sends a signal to your target that he is worth a second look.
Rule 4 # Lip Service:
Both men and women are subconsciously attracted to red, moist lips because they signal youth, sex and fertility. Always wear a red lipstick which not only gives your lips that youthful colour, but also makes your smile more visible and your teeth whiter. A super-shiny lip gloss can also give you an advantage, making your lips look moist and kissable.
Rule 5 # Focus, Focus, Focus:
Once you and your flirting target have started talking, use these tips to deepen the attraction. First, smile and maintain eye contact as you are speaking, and focus all of your attention on what he is saying. If you aren't listening then that shows that you are not interested. Smiling and laughing are crucial here - it's the quickest, easiest way to put another person at ease and make a connection. Finally, another effective flirting technique is low-level touching such as brushing the shoulder or elbow.
"We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge. People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.
Pause and ponder. Think before you act. Be patient. Forgive & forget. Love one and all.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them". -- Mother Teresa
Never take some one for granted,Hold every person Close to your Heart because you might wake up one day and realise that you have lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones."
Remember this always in life.
Thanks & Regards
Rule 1 # Eyes have it all:
Lock eyes with the person you're flirting with for a full five to six seconds, then smile and drop your gaze. Please don't stare at him and make him feel embarrassed. Just give him a soft smoldering look and look away. Do this at least three times in a ten to fifteen-minute period. This way you will make him know that you are interested and approachable.
Rule 2 # Smile:
Smiling is absolutely the most effective tool in your flirting toolbox. Psychology and body language experts agree that one of the most important things you can do to make yourself more attractive (and approachable) is to smile.
Rule 3 # Expose your neck:
One of the most winning flirting techniques a woman can use is the exposure of her neck. This can be done with a head tilt to one side, the classic hair flip or the over-the-shoulder glance. According to body language experts this asymmetrical position attracts attention, exposes your neck, and makes a woman very attractive and sexy. The over-the-shoulder move also sends a signal to your target that he is worth a second look.
Rule 4 # Lip Service:
Both men and women are subconsciously attracted to red, moist lips because they signal youth, sex and fertility. Always wear a red lipstick which not only gives your lips that youthful colour, but also makes your smile more visible and your teeth whiter. A super-shiny lip gloss can also give you an advantage, making your lips look moist and kissable.
Rule 5 # Focus, Focus, Focus:
Once you and your flirting target have started talking, use these tips to deepen the attraction. First, smile and maintain eye contact as you are speaking, and focus all of your attention on what he is saying. If you aren't listening then that shows that you are not interested. Smiling and laughing are crucial here - it's the quickest, easiest way to put another person at ease and make a connection. Finally, another effective flirting technique is low-level touching such as brushing the shoulder or elbow.
"We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge. People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.
Pause and ponder. Think before you act. Be patient. Forgive & forget. Love one and all.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them". -- Mother Teresa
Never take some one for granted,Hold every person Close to your Heart because you might wake up one day and realise that you have lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones."
Remember this always in life.
Thanks & Regards
Healthy Relationship
1. Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner for making them that way. Make yourself happy first, and then share his or her happiness.
2. Do not do anything for your partner if it comes with an expectation of reciprocation. The things you do for your partner must always be done because you chose to do them and you wanted to do them. Do not hold your “good deeds” over their head at a later time. Keeping score in a relationship will never work: a person is less likely to notice and value all the contributions of their partner as much as their own.
3. Tell the unarguable truth. Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or those of their partner. Lies create disconnection in a relationship, even if your partner never finds out about it. The unarguable truth is about your feelings; your partner can argue about anything that happens outside of you, but he or she cannot rationally deny your feelings. Here are some examples: "I felt scared when I saw you talking to him at the party or at school," "I feel angry when you hang up on me," and "I felt sad when you walked out during our fight and didn't want to be around me."
4. Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a process of ending your anger or resentment towards another individual. It can have the power to transcend all offenses, great and small, and learning to forgive another takes patience, honesty, and respect. When given freely and sincerely in a relationship, forgiveness may heal relationships that are suffering. Forgiveness is an act of humility, not one of haughty feelings.
5. Make and keep clear agreements. For example, if you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time, or call if you're going to be late. If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement and/or tell the truth about any feelings you're having about someone else before you act on them. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.
6. Be Responsible. Here's a new definition: Responsible means that you have the ability to respond. It does not mean you are to blame. There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up to it, and get curious about how you might do it differently next time. If you are unhappy in your relationship, get curious about how this situation is similar to others from your past, and how you might create a better relationship for yourself rather than try to change your partner.
7. Approach your relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important information for you to learn. For example, do you often feel 'bossed' around in your relationship, or do you feel powerless? When a relationship is not working, there is usually a familiar way that we feel while in it. We are attracted to the partner with whom we can learn the most, and sometimes the lesson is to let go of a relationship that no longer serves us. A truly healthy relationship will consist of both partners who are interested in learning and expanding a relationship so that it continues to improve.
8. Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your beloved that you love him or her, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better.
9. Review your expectations. Try to be as clear as you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and attitudes, especially attitudes towards money. Make sure you don't expect your partner to fulfil every need in your life. One person cannot be everything to you. Everybody needs love, intimacy, affection, and affirmation, but your partner cannot alone give you all of that. You need to get some from your friends, from your family, but first and foremost, love yourself. Attempting to change someone else’s mode of processing or personality style won’t work -- and will create derailments.
10. Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can either choose to be right, or you can have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Most people argue to be "right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Okay, you're right.." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, and you learn to love and share and learn from those experiences.
2. Do not do anything for your partner if it comes with an expectation of reciprocation. The things you do for your partner must always be done because you chose to do them and you wanted to do them. Do not hold your “good deeds” over their head at a later time. Keeping score in a relationship will never work: a person is less likely to notice and value all the contributions of their partner as much as their own.
3. Tell the unarguable truth. Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or those of their partner. Lies create disconnection in a relationship, even if your partner never finds out about it. The unarguable truth is about your feelings; your partner can argue about anything that happens outside of you, but he or she cannot rationally deny your feelings. Here are some examples: "I felt scared when I saw you talking to him at the party or at school," "I feel angry when you hang up on me," and "I felt sad when you walked out during our fight and didn't want to be around me."
4. Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a process of ending your anger or resentment towards another individual. It can have the power to transcend all offenses, great and small, and learning to forgive another takes patience, honesty, and respect. When given freely and sincerely in a relationship, forgiveness may heal relationships that are suffering. Forgiveness is an act of humility, not one of haughty feelings.
5. Make and keep clear agreements. For example, if you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time, or call if you're going to be late. If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement and/or tell the truth about any feelings you're having about someone else before you act on them. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.
6. Be Responsible. Here's a new definition: Responsible means that you have the ability to respond. It does not mean you are to blame. There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up to it, and get curious about how you might do it differently next time. If you are unhappy in your relationship, get curious about how this situation is similar to others from your past, and how you might create a better relationship for yourself rather than try to change your partner.
7. Approach your relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important information for you to learn. For example, do you often feel 'bossed' around in your relationship, or do you feel powerless? When a relationship is not working, there is usually a familiar way that we feel while in it. We are attracted to the partner with whom we can learn the most, and sometimes the lesson is to let go of a relationship that no longer serves us. A truly healthy relationship will consist of both partners who are interested in learning and expanding a relationship so that it continues to improve.
8. Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your beloved that you love him or her, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better.
9. Review your expectations. Try to be as clear as you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and attitudes, especially attitudes towards money. Make sure you don't expect your partner to fulfil every need in your life. One person cannot be everything to you. Everybody needs love, intimacy, affection, and affirmation, but your partner cannot alone give you all of that. You need to get some from your friends, from your family, but first and foremost, love yourself. Attempting to change someone else’s mode of processing or personality style won’t work -- and will create derailments.
10. Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can either choose to be right, or you can have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Most people argue to be "right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Okay, you're right.." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, and you learn to love and share and learn from those experiences.
Friday
Inspirational Words of Wisdom about Life
The Road to Success is not straight
There is a curve called failure, a loop called confusion, speed bumps called friends, caution lights called family, and you will have flats called jobs.
But, if you have a spare called determination, an engine called perseverance, insurance called faith, and a driver called God, you will make it to a place called success!
Live for something
Do good, and leave behind you a monument of virtue that the storms of time can never destroy.
Write your name in kindness, love, and mercy on the hearts of thousands you come in contact with year by year, and you will never be forgotten. Your name and your good deeds will shine as the stars of heaven.
Pearls of Wisdom:
* Don't love the Heart that hurts you and don't hurt the Heart that loves you.
* Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
* Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
* Most people walk in and out of your life, but only friend's leave footprints in your heart.
* True friendship "never" ends. Friends are forever.
* People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
* If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere.
* The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.
* A change of heart changes everything.
* Our greatest glory is not in ever falling, but in rising every time we fall.
* You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.
* One generation plants trees, and the next enjoys the shade.
* It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future, and impossible to live in the past. Nothing is as far away as one minute ago.
You are what you think!
* Your inner thoughts can cause you to be rich or poor, loved or unloved, happy or unhappy, attractive or unattractive, powerful or weak.
* What you impress upon your mind, you'll inevitably become. It's a psychological law that whatever you desire to accomplish you must first impress upon your subconscious mind.
* Relentless, repetitive self talk will change your self image. You'll affect your subconscious mind with verbal repetition. Constant repetition carries conviction.
* When you change your values you'll change your behavior. Start thinking of yourself as becoming the person you want to be. Self suggestion will make you the master of yourself.
* If you believe you can, you can.
* You can become whatever you want to be.
Slow down
* Life is not a race. It is a journey.
* Getting someplace first, before anyone else, has very little real and lasting meaning. Seek instead to encourage others to come along, and you'll find the journey much more fulfilling.
* When you hurry through each moment, you miss out on the richness that could be yours. Take the time to live, to experience where you are, rather than being so obsessed with getting to the next checkpoint.
* When you stop demanding to have it all now, you'll discover that you have plenty already. Learn to experience joy where you are, and you'll experience it in abundance.
* Yes, it can be wonderfully exhilarating when life is moving quickly. But do not move so quickly that speed becomes your only experience, for there is so much more to enjoy.
* The terrain of life is filled with wonderful and astounding detail. Slow down and take in its richness.
One step away
* If you were just one step away from reaching your goal, would you take that step? How do you know, right now, that you're not?
* What a shame it would be to stop making the effort, when just a little bit more would make it all worthwhile. What a shame it would be to have taken all those steps, only to miss the very last one.
* The next step you take may very well be the one that makes all the others count. You owe it to yourself, and the efforts you've made, to keep going.
* No, the next step may not get you there. Yet what about the one after that? If you keep moving ahead, a little at a time, you will indeed arrive. When you take that final, triumphant step, you'll be so very thankful you persevered.
* At some point success is just one step away. Keep going and you'll be there.
Must do:
* In each task that must be done, there is opportunity. See the task not as a burden, but as an encouragement to be fully alive and effective.
* The real burden would be the inability to do anything. No task is a burden, but is instead the chance to express your own aliveness.
* Does the work seem dreary, unimaginative, tedious or boring? That's mainly because your attitude makes it so.
* See what happens when you start by being thankful for the opportunity to do it. Your genuine gratitude will help you to see the positive value.
* When the things you must do become things you want to do, it can transform your life. Each moment takes on more meaning; each effort brings greater and greater reward.
* Rather than fighting and forcing yourself to do what must be done, let go of your resistance and allow yourself to accomplish. Let what you must, become what you want, and watch yourself begin to soar....
FRIEND FOREVER
There is a curve called failure, a loop called confusion, speed bumps called friends, caution lights called family, and you will have flats called jobs.
But, if you have a spare called determination, an engine called perseverance, insurance called faith, and a driver called God, you will make it to a place called success!
Live for something
Do good, and leave behind you a monument of virtue that the storms of time can never destroy.
Write your name in kindness, love, and mercy on the hearts of thousands you come in contact with year by year, and you will never be forgotten. Your name and your good deeds will shine as the stars of heaven.
Pearls of Wisdom:
* Don't love the Heart that hurts you and don't hurt the Heart that loves you.
* Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
* Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
* Most people walk in and out of your life, but only friend's leave footprints in your heart.
* True friendship "never" ends. Friends are forever.
* People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
* If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere.
* The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.
* A change of heart changes everything.
* Our greatest glory is not in ever falling, but in rising every time we fall.
* You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.
* One generation plants trees, and the next enjoys the shade.
* It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future, and impossible to live in the past. Nothing is as far away as one minute ago.
You are what you think!
* Your inner thoughts can cause you to be rich or poor, loved or unloved, happy or unhappy, attractive or unattractive, powerful or weak.
* What you impress upon your mind, you'll inevitably become. It's a psychological law that whatever you desire to accomplish you must first impress upon your subconscious mind.
* Relentless, repetitive self talk will change your self image. You'll affect your subconscious mind with verbal repetition. Constant repetition carries conviction.
* When you change your values you'll change your behavior. Start thinking of yourself as becoming the person you want to be. Self suggestion will make you the master of yourself.
* If you believe you can, you can.
* You can become whatever you want to be.
Slow down
* Life is not a race. It is a journey.
* Getting someplace first, before anyone else, has very little real and lasting meaning. Seek instead to encourage others to come along, and you'll find the journey much more fulfilling.
* When you hurry through each moment, you miss out on the richness that could be yours. Take the time to live, to experience where you are, rather than being so obsessed with getting to the next checkpoint.
* When you stop demanding to have it all now, you'll discover that you have plenty already. Learn to experience joy where you are, and you'll experience it in abundance.
* Yes, it can be wonderfully exhilarating when life is moving quickly. But do not move so quickly that speed becomes your only experience, for there is so much more to enjoy.
* The terrain of life is filled with wonderful and astounding detail. Slow down and take in its richness.
One step away
* If you were just one step away from reaching your goal, would you take that step? How do you know, right now, that you're not?
* What a shame it would be to stop making the effort, when just a little bit more would make it all worthwhile. What a shame it would be to have taken all those steps, only to miss the very last one.
* The next step you take may very well be the one that makes all the others count. You owe it to yourself, and the efforts you've made, to keep going.
* No, the next step may not get you there. Yet what about the one after that? If you keep moving ahead, a little at a time, you will indeed arrive. When you take that final, triumphant step, you'll be so very thankful you persevered.
* At some point success is just one step away. Keep going and you'll be there.
Must do:
* In each task that must be done, there is opportunity. See the task not as a burden, but as an encouragement to be fully alive and effective.
* The real burden would be the inability to do anything. No task is a burden, but is instead the chance to express your own aliveness.
* Does the work seem dreary, unimaginative, tedious or boring? That's mainly because your attitude makes it so.
* See what happens when you start by being thankful for the opportunity to do it. Your genuine gratitude will help you to see the positive value.
* When the things you must do become things you want to do, it can transform your life. Each moment takes on more meaning; each effort brings greater and greater reward.
* Rather than fighting and forcing yourself to do what must be done, let go of your resistance and allow yourself to accomplish. Let what you must, become what you want, and watch yourself begin to soar....
FRIEND FOREVER
Path of Sucess
Opportunity
"A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds."
-Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
We often hear the phrase "opportunity knocks." How convenient it would be if that were the way it happened all the time! More often than not, our opportunities have been cultivated. We seek them out, rather than waiting for them to come calling on us. We prepare ourselves so that we can both create, and recognize, opportunities.
Impulsive?
"While we stop to think, we often miss our opportunity."
-Publius Syrus (85-43 B.C.)
Is this impulsive? Maybe. But it is also intuitive. Life tends to move really quickly - so when we recognize an opportunity that we've been waiting for, why overthink it? At a certain point, we've just got to say "I'm ready" and go for it!
Get It
"You got to get it while you can."
-Janis Joplin (1943-1970)
Go for it. Just do it. May hay while the sun shines. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Carpe Diem. Our opportunities are out there and the universe is urging us to scoop them up enthusiastically - we hear it time and time again!
Irons In The Fire
If you have many Irons in the Fire, some will burn."
-Thomas Fuller (1654-1734)
While we're out there creating opportunities for ourselves, we may find that we're juggling multiple projects, hoping that some will catch on and make it big. Irons in the Fire - some will burn, and yet some must cool. Why? Because we can't possibly pay attention to all of them. More "Irons" does not necessarily give us a better chance of success. We have a limited quantity of time - so when we have to spread it among several Irons, then the quality of time is reduced. It only makes sense that the Irons that are given both quantity and quality of Fire will burn the brightest.
Open The Door
"The doors of Opportunity are marked 'Push' and 'Pull'."
-Ethel Watts Mumford, 1902
It is interesting that opportunity is often associated with a door - but a closed door doesn't get us anywhere. It is through an open door that we must walk to get somewhere. What is on the other side of the door? Unlimited possibilities! But we'll never know what they are until we get up and open that door to see for ourselves!
"A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds."
-Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
We often hear the phrase "opportunity knocks." How convenient it would be if that were the way it happened all the time! More often than not, our opportunities have been cultivated. We seek them out, rather than waiting for them to come calling on us. We prepare ourselves so that we can both create, and recognize, opportunities.
Impulsive?
"While we stop to think, we often miss our opportunity."
-Publius Syrus (85-43 B.C.)
Is this impulsive? Maybe. But it is also intuitive. Life tends to move really quickly - so when we recognize an opportunity that we've been waiting for, why overthink it? At a certain point, we've just got to say "I'm ready" and go for it!
Get It
"You got to get it while you can."
-Janis Joplin (1943-1970)
Go for it. Just do it. May hay while the sun shines. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Carpe Diem. Our opportunities are out there and the universe is urging us to scoop them up enthusiastically - we hear it time and time again!
Irons In The Fire
If you have many Irons in the Fire, some will burn."
-Thomas Fuller (1654-1734)
While we're out there creating opportunities for ourselves, we may find that we're juggling multiple projects, hoping that some will catch on and make it big. Irons in the Fire - some will burn, and yet some must cool. Why? Because we can't possibly pay attention to all of them. More "Irons" does not necessarily give us a better chance of success. We have a limited quantity of time - so when we have to spread it among several Irons, then the quality of time is reduced. It only makes sense that the Irons that are given both quantity and quality of Fire will burn the brightest.
Open The Door
"The doors of Opportunity are marked 'Push' and 'Pull'."
-Ethel Watts Mumford, 1902
It is interesting that opportunity is often associated with a door - but a closed door doesn't get us anywhere. It is through an open door that we must walk to get somewhere. What is on the other side of the door? Unlimited possibilities! But we'll never know what they are until we get up and open that door to see for ourselves!
Thursday
Relationship - Men and Women
Men and women are equal sentient beings, all of whom are equally precious. Each of us - male or female - has the same 100 billion neurone brain, which is host to his or her unique consciousness. It is - to my mind - the myriad unique friendships that can form between these unique human consciousnesses that are the ultimate elements of all creation. They are what life, the universe and everything is all about.
I am convinced that, despite the large culturally induced dichotomy which currently exists between the genders, men and women share identical feelings, fears, hopes and aspirations. They simply view the world from slightly different gender-specific perspectives, which naturally - in the absence of modern social and commercial pressures - would be complementary rather than divisive.
A variety of strong healthy inter-gender friendships is a basic human need that circumstance denies to many in modern society. [Men have a basic need for stable dependable female friends. As a man, therefore, my ideal friend is a woman.] Women have a basic need for stable dependable male friends. To my mind, therefore the contemporary phenomenon of male seeking female and female seeking male friendships via the Internet is not the seedy pastime it is made out to be by the prudish mainstream. It is a healthy psychological (and often physiological) need that - in the increasing social isolation of our modern bland impersonal suburbia - can only now be met in any practical sense through the Internet.
Conditions For Friendship
The first vital requisite for friendship is equality. There can be no master-slave element in true friendship. Male-female friendship is only possible when man and woman regard each other as completely equal. Each must be able to rejoice in the other's strengths and support the other's weaknesses with uncritical love - particularly when these strengths and weaknesses are the opposite way round to their society's gender stereotypes.
However, being equal as peers (in the sense of equal value and status) does not mean they are - or have to be - functionally equivalent physically or emotionally. Nature itself makes certain roles in life gender-specific. This is lovely. The only thing wrong is the way certain societies or cultures overwhelmingly skew the true values of these roles by imposing upon us political, religious, social and economic structures that under-value, over-accentuate or otherwise conflict with natural gender role-biases.
Observation suggests to me that the most firm, stable and rewarding same-gender friendships form between people who have similar values and personalities. On the other hand, it suggests that the most firm, stable, rewarding - and potentially far more profound - inter-gender friendships form between men and women who have similar values but complementary (rather than similar or opposite) personalities.
Both the anatomy and psychology of human beings make it possible for inter-gender friendships to develop to a far greater depth and intensity than same-gender ones. But that does not mean that inter-gender friendships have to include physical sex. True friends will never push each other in either direction in this regard, as signified by the beautiful male-to-female kiss of friendship.
The Kiss of Friendship
There is a nice protocol or convention for when a pair of mixed-gender friends meet or part in company or in public. It is the kiss of friendship. The female comes close to allow her male friend to hold her while he kisses her gently on the forehead. The forehead is the seat of the intellect and abode of the emotions, so a gentle kiss thereon is symbolic of their joint recognition that true friendship is firstly of the mind, wherein it will always kindle or refresh the eternal flame of friendship rather than the fleeting fire of infatuation so easily ignited by the touch of lips.
It can therefore serve always, whatever the inner heights, depths, ebbs and flows of a friendship. It is also very hard for onlookers to interpret, which makes it fairly gossip-proof. Yet it does have a sexual dimension. After all, it is not something same-gender friends would find comfortable to do. However, that sexual dimension is a beautiful open, honest inter-gender peer-to-peer love, which is essentially non-erotic.
It is so much better than the social cheek-kiss with its awful after-taste of foundation. I think the kiss on the cheek is for aunts, in-laws and other guys' wives (sometimes). Society has totally de-valued the kiss on the cheek to the extent that it is usually given as a reluctant expectation, and amounts to no more than kissing the air. I hope against hope that the forehead kiss of friendships will always be reserved for those special friends and will never become socially de-valued in this way.
What About Sex?
All male-female friendships involve sex in the broadest sense. The whole essence and dynamic of the friendship is significantly determined by the inherent differences in emotional and intellectual perspective between the two genders. But this does not mean that every - or even any - male-female friendship has to include physical intimacy. As I said, true friends will never push each other in either direction in this regard.
On the other hand, some degree of physical intimacy can provide many male-female friendships with that extra wide-band channel of emotional communication through which they can greatly enhance the quality and intensity of their friendship. The form this intimacy takes can be anything from an occasional hug to regular intercourse, depending on the inter-personal affinity and the shared values of those involved.
Ultimate Male Female Friendship
Taken to its ultimate conclusion, inter-gender friendship transmutes into the permanent co-habitation and economic inter-dependency of marriage. Whether or not marriage should result in each partner then withdrawing from his or her other Male Female friendships is a matter of the views and values to which a particular couple subscribes. In current Western culture one is officially expected to withdraw. But I think this is a sad loss. Were such withdrawn friendships allowed to continue and grow, I think society as a whole would be so much stronger and less open to religious enslavement, political oppression and economic exploitation. An invincible polyamorous network of male-female friendships would thus link all humanity together with bonds of intimate love.
It was with this vision in mind that I wrote The Connective Force - a 10,000 word highly illustrated essay about a possible future society in which such friendships are freely allowed to flourish.
I am convinced that, despite the large culturally induced dichotomy which currently exists between the genders, men and women share identical feelings, fears, hopes and aspirations. They simply view the world from slightly different gender-specific perspectives, which naturally - in the absence of modern social and commercial pressures - would be complementary rather than divisive.
A variety of strong healthy inter-gender friendships is a basic human need that circumstance denies to many in modern society. [Men have a basic need for stable dependable female friends. As a man, therefore, my ideal friend is a woman.] Women have a basic need for stable dependable male friends. To my mind, therefore the contemporary phenomenon of male seeking female and female seeking male friendships via the Internet is not the seedy pastime it is made out to be by the prudish mainstream. It is a healthy psychological (and often physiological) need that - in the increasing social isolation of our modern bland impersonal suburbia - can only now be met in any practical sense through the Internet.
Conditions For Friendship
The first vital requisite for friendship is equality. There can be no master-slave element in true friendship. Male-female friendship is only possible when man and woman regard each other as completely equal. Each must be able to rejoice in the other's strengths and support the other's weaknesses with uncritical love - particularly when these strengths and weaknesses are the opposite way round to their society's gender stereotypes.
However, being equal as peers (in the sense of equal value and status) does not mean they are - or have to be - functionally equivalent physically or emotionally. Nature itself makes certain roles in life gender-specific. This is lovely. The only thing wrong is the way certain societies or cultures overwhelmingly skew the true values of these roles by imposing upon us political, religious, social and economic structures that under-value, over-accentuate or otherwise conflict with natural gender role-biases.
Observation suggests to me that the most firm, stable and rewarding same-gender friendships form between people who have similar values and personalities. On the other hand, it suggests that the most firm, stable, rewarding - and potentially far more profound - inter-gender friendships form between men and women who have similar values but complementary (rather than similar or opposite) personalities.
Both the anatomy and psychology of human beings make it possible for inter-gender friendships to develop to a far greater depth and intensity than same-gender ones. But that does not mean that inter-gender friendships have to include physical sex. True friends will never push each other in either direction in this regard, as signified by the beautiful male-to-female kiss of friendship.
The Kiss of Friendship
There is a nice protocol or convention for when a pair of mixed-gender friends meet or part in company or in public. It is the kiss of friendship. The female comes close to allow her male friend to hold her while he kisses her gently on the forehead. The forehead is the seat of the intellect and abode of the emotions, so a gentle kiss thereon is symbolic of their joint recognition that true friendship is firstly of the mind, wherein it will always kindle or refresh the eternal flame of friendship rather than the fleeting fire of infatuation so easily ignited by the touch of lips.
It can therefore serve always, whatever the inner heights, depths, ebbs and flows of a friendship. It is also very hard for onlookers to interpret, which makes it fairly gossip-proof. Yet it does have a sexual dimension. After all, it is not something same-gender friends would find comfortable to do. However, that sexual dimension is a beautiful open, honest inter-gender peer-to-peer love, which is essentially non-erotic.
It is so much better than the social cheek-kiss with its awful after-taste of foundation. I think the kiss on the cheek is for aunts, in-laws and other guys' wives (sometimes). Society has totally de-valued the kiss on the cheek to the extent that it is usually given as a reluctant expectation, and amounts to no more than kissing the air. I hope against hope that the forehead kiss of friendships will always be reserved for those special friends and will never become socially de-valued in this way.
What About Sex?
All male-female friendships involve sex in the broadest sense. The whole essence and dynamic of the friendship is significantly determined by the inherent differences in emotional and intellectual perspective between the two genders. But this does not mean that every - or even any - male-female friendship has to include physical intimacy. As I said, true friends will never push each other in either direction in this regard.
On the other hand, some degree of physical intimacy can provide many male-female friendships with that extra wide-band channel of emotional communication through which they can greatly enhance the quality and intensity of their friendship. The form this intimacy takes can be anything from an occasional hug to regular intercourse, depending on the inter-personal affinity and the shared values of those involved.
Ultimate Male Female Friendship
Taken to its ultimate conclusion, inter-gender friendship transmutes into the permanent co-habitation and economic inter-dependency of marriage. Whether or not marriage should result in each partner then withdrawing from his or her other Male Female friendships is a matter of the views and values to which a particular couple subscribes. In current Western culture one is officially expected to withdraw. But I think this is a sad loss. Were such withdrawn friendships allowed to continue and grow, I think society as a whole would be so much stronger and less open to religious enslavement, political oppression and economic exploitation. An invincible polyamorous network of male-female friendships would thus link all humanity together with bonds of intimate love.
It was with this vision in mind that I wrote The Connective Force - a 10,000 word highly illustrated essay about a possible future society in which such friendships are freely allowed to flourish.
Wednesday
Friendship Definition
To think I could necessarily and sufficiently define a concept so profound as friendship would be my ultimate act of rogance. What follows is therefore simply my personal observations and feelings on what the term 'friendship' means to me.
We each have a powerful natural inner drive to satisfy a ravenous natural hunger for intimacy of mind with other human beings. This greatly desired intimacy of mind is what we call friendship. But sadly, in this present austere world ruled by its divisive spirit of greed and competition, it is not possible to achieve this intimacy of mind to any worth-while depth with just anybody. The minds of potential friends must from the outset already possess a mutually sympathetic resonance - an inter-personal affinity.
A Natural Affinity
This affinity is strange. I can often sense it very strongly just by being in somebody's presence, even if no words are spoken. I have sensed this affinity with people with whom I did not even share a common spoken language. Mutual affinity is somehow conveyed by a person's atmosphere or aura. A pair of friends can just enjoy being together without having to say
anything. This mutual affinity can even be picked up remotely. People have sensed a deep affinity with me just by browsing my web site from which we have then gone on to develop an intense friendship by email without ever meeting at all. However, a friendship never feels quite consummated without at least one face to face meeting.
What creates this affinity that provides the channel through which two people may become friends? Firstly they must each have the kind of personality that harmonises with the other. People of the same gender view the world in the same gender-specific way. I think therefore that same-gender friends need to have similar personalities - personalities with considerable overlap.
Men and women, on the other hand, view the world in slightly different gender-specific ways that are mutually complementary. For male-female friendships, therefore, I think it is far better for the male and female to have complementary personalities.
Need For Shared Values
However, this natural affinity - also known as personal chemistry - is not all that is necessary for us to achieve the depth of mental intimacy required to truly assuage our hunger for friendship. We also need to share a greater part of our interests, pleasures and aspirations. But most importantly of all, we need to share the same core values. Not all value-sets are conducive to friendship. The all-pervading spirit of competition and greed in current Western society
reflects an underlying set of values that is not to my mind conducive to friendship. This value-set is powered by the lust for self-gain at the expense of others. It is the desire to take. It generates relationships in which one possesses the other in some way. One becomes a slave of self-imposed obligation trapped by the other's crushing emotional dependence upon them.
Friends give and receive in a way that enhances the ability of each to develop freely as he or she wishes. Friendship has no regard for wealth or status. There can be no hierarchy of friends. Friendship can exist only between two who regard each other as equal peers and who share a mutually agreed part of their experiences, knowledge, wisdom and pleasures.
Building Mutual Trust
Friendship is a partial sharing of minds. The extent of that sharing depends on the depth to which the friendship goes. Each of a pair of friends constructs a mental model of the other in his or her mind. This model has both intellectual and emotional elements. The process of building and maintaining this model requires an openness of communication in which each friend provides the other with a progressive revelation - an honest inner exposure - of him or herself. Honest exposure of the inner self to another is not easy. Becoming friends from first meeting to bosom pals requires a progressive growth of mutual trust. But you shouldn't be naive. Don't expose your inner being too much too quickly. Like a rock climber, gradually reach out a little further, but only as far as you can afford to fall. At each successful stage, you each hammer in a piton. Then you each risk a further outreach towards the other from your respective points of established trust. Repeat this process until you eventually achieve total mutual trust.
If you fall into quicksand at any stage, grab your rope and haul yourself back to the previous piton (established level of trust). Take this as the appropriate depth for that particular friendship at that particular time. The depth, degree or level of intimacy in friendship is a continuous scale. You have to find the point on that scale that is right for each friendship.
Love Between Friends
Love is the driving force that creates and sustains friendship. The kind of love friends have for each other is the desire to know, serve and share. It is the antithesis of lust - the desire to acquire, possess and control. It is what makes one want to connect with another human consciousness - intellectually, emotionally and physically. Unspoken doubts and suspicions are barriers that limit the possible depth to which a friendship can progress. Love empowers
friends to say how they feel about each other without inhibition or fear of hurting each other's feelings. It thereby allows them to resolve their doubts and suspicions about each other, thus removing the barriers and opening the way to an ever deeper friendship.
Because friends love each other, one never attempts to force, coerce or control the other to change for the better. One friend only informs the other of the way he or she feels. Love will motivate the informed friend to change him or herself for the better. Because friends love each other, they will never use each other as a means to an end - as a human resource to be used and abused for self gain. A friend - as a precious sentient consciousness - is an end in him or herself. That end is the joy of sharing experiences and reciprocal love.
Means of Communicating
Friendship can exist only between two who share a mutually agreed part of their experiences, knowledge, wisdom and pleasures. In order to be able to do this they must communicate in a multiplicity of ways. The first and most intensive form of communication is by words - spoken or written language. This can be by letter/email, phone and face-to-face.
Written communication - especially email - is the most effective way for friends to learn about each other in a factual way. Its relative anonymity makes it much easier and less embarrassing to exchange deep intimate personal details as a firm foundation on which to build a friendship. Later, the telephone can add the extra emotional expressiveness that only subtle nuances of the voice are able to convey. Nevertheless, to my mind a friendship can never be truly consummated without meeting face-to-face. Face-to-face presence not only facilitates a much more rapid exchange of words through speech, but also a very broad band channel for communicating emotionally. Eye contact is the most intimate form of emotional connection. The frequency and
duration of eye contact with which a pair of friends feel comfortable depends on the depth of their friendship.
Touching enhances the emotional connection and relaxes any potential tension between friends. Various degrees of tactile intimacy become comfortable at various stages as their friendship deepens along the continuum of intimacy. The handshake signals the first stage of affinity. Next is probably the hug. Inter-gender friends may then perhaps progress to the male-female kiss of friendship. As their friendship deepens even further, their emotional communication may be further enhanced by a full kiss. Further on still, inter-gender friends may gain great pleasure from holding some of their conversations within the comfort of a relaxed cuddle.
The ultimate level of tactile communication is of course sex. This can be anything from light petting to full intercourse. Friends should only progress to a more advanced level of sexual intimacy when their intellectual and emotional intimacy has progressed at least to the point along the continuum of intimacy at which that particular kind of relating becomes appropriate and comfortable to both.
It is important to be aware, however, that the whole spectrum of tactile exchange is simply to enhance the intellectual and emotional connection facilitated by conversation and eye contact. So from the hand shake to the most intimate state of human coupling, good conversation and eye contact are key.
Summary
Friendship is a mutual intimacy of mind which we all naturally crave. Each of a pair of friends possesses within his or her mind a detailed mental model of the other. Friendship is possible between equal peers with compatible personalities who share a natural affinity and the same core values, interests, pleasures and aspirations. Friendship is created and sustained through an iterative cycle of building mutual trust through the love-motivated communication of progressively intimate personal thoughts and details. The result is an ever-closer and deeper intellectual and emotional resonance between two intimate minds, which is the ultimate element of creation.
We each have a powerful natural inner drive to satisfy a ravenous natural hunger for intimacy of mind with other human beings. This greatly desired intimacy of mind is what we call friendship. But sadly, in this present austere world ruled by its divisive spirit of greed and competition, it is not possible to achieve this intimacy of mind to any worth-while depth with just anybody. The minds of potential friends must from the outset already possess a mutually sympathetic resonance - an inter-personal affinity.
A Natural Affinity
This affinity is strange. I can often sense it very strongly just by being in somebody's presence, even if no words are spoken. I have sensed this affinity with people with whom I did not even share a common spoken language. Mutual affinity is somehow conveyed by a person's atmosphere or aura. A pair of friends can just enjoy being together without having to say
anything. This mutual affinity can even be picked up remotely. People have sensed a deep affinity with me just by browsing my web site from which we have then gone on to develop an intense friendship by email without ever meeting at all. However, a friendship never feels quite consummated without at least one face to face meeting.
What creates this affinity that provides the channel through which two people may become friends? Firstly they must each have the kind of personality that harmonises with the other. People of the same gender view the world in the same gender-specific way. I think therefore that same-gender friends need to have similar personalities - personalities with considerable overlap.
Men and women, on the other hand, view the world in slightly different gender-specific ways that are mutually complementary. For male-female friendships, therefore, I think it is far better for the male and female to have complementary personalities.
Need For Shared Values
However, this natural affinity - also known as personal chemistry - is not all that is necessary for us to achieve the depth of mental intimacy required to truly assuage our hunger for friendship. We also need to share a greater part of our interests, pleasures and aspirations. But most importantly of all, we need to share the same core values. Not all value-sets are conducive to friendship. The all-pervading spirit of competition and greed in current Western society
reflects an underlying set of values that is not to my mind conducive to friendship. This value-set is powered by the lust for self-gain at the expense of others. It is the desire to take. It generates relationships in which one possesses the other in some way. One becomes a slave of self-imposed obligation trapped by the other's crushing emotional dependence upon them.
Friends give and receive in a way that enhances the ability of each to develop freely as he or she wishes. Friendship has no regard for wealth or status. There can be no hierarchy of friends. Friendship can exist only between two who regard each other as equal peers and who share a mutually agreed part of their experiences, knowledge, wisdom and pleasures.
Building Mutual Trust
Friendship is a partial sharing of minds. The extent of that sharing depends on the depth to which the friendship goes. Each of a pair of friends constructs a mental model of the other in his or her mind. This model has both intellectual and emotional elements. The process of building and maintaining this model requires an openness of communication in which each friend provides the other with a progressive revelation - an honest inner exposure - of him or herself. Honest exposure of the inner self to another is not easy. Becoming friends from first meeting to bosom pals requires a progressive growth of mutual trust. But you shouldn't be naive. Don't expose your inner being too much too quickly. Like a rock climber, gradually reach out a little further, but only as far as you can afford to fall. At each successful stage, you each hammer in a piton. Then you each risk a further outreach towards the other from your respective points of established trust. Repeat this process until you eventually achieve total mutual trust.
If you fall into quicksand at any stage, grab your rope and haul yourself back to the previous piton (established level of trust). Take this as the appropriate depth for that particular friendship at that particular time. The depth, degree or level of intimacy in friendship is a continuous scale. You have to find the point on that scale that is right for each friendship.
Love Between Friends
Love is the driving force that creates and sustains friendship. The kind of love friends have for each other is the desire to know, serve and share. It is the antithesis of lust - the desire to acquire, possess and control. It is what makes one want to connect with another human consciousness - intellectually, emotionally and physically. Unspoken doubts and suspicions are barriers that limit the possible depth to which a friendship can progress. Love empowers
friends to say how they feel about each other without inhibition or fear of hurting each other's feelings. It thereby allows them to resolve their doubts and suspicions about each other, thus removing the barriers and opening the way to an ever deeper friendship.
Because friends love each other, one never attempts to force, coerce or control the other to change for the better. One friend only informs the other of the way he or she feels. Love will motivate the informed friend to change him or herself for the better. Because friends love each other, they will never use each other as a means to an end - as a human resource to be used and abused for self gain. A friend - as a precious sentient consciousness - is an end in him or herself. That end is the joy of sharing experiences and reciprocal love.
Means of Communicating
Friendship can exist only between two who share a mutually agreed part of their experiences, knowledge, wisdom and pleasures. In order to be able to do this they must communicate in a multiplicity of ways. The first and most intensive form of communication is by words - spoken or written language. This can be by letter/email, phone and face-to-face.
Written communication - especially email - is the most effective way for friends to learn about each other in a factual way. Its relative anonymity makes it much easier and less embarrassing to exchange deep intimate personal details as a firm foundation on which to build a friendship. Later, the telephone can add the extra emotional expressiveness that only subtle nuances of the voice are able to convey. Nevertheless, to my mind a friendship can never be truly consummated without meeting face-to-face. Face-to-face presence not only facilitates a much more rapid exchange of words through speech, but also a very broad band channel for communicating emotionally. Eye contact is the most intimate form of emotional connection. The frequency and
duration of eye contact with which a pair of friends feel comfortable depends on the depth of their friendship.
Touching enhances the emotional connection and relaxes any potential tension between friends. Various degrees of tactile intimacy become comfortable at various stages as their friendship deepens along the continuum of intimacy. The handshake signals the first stage of affinity. Next is probably the hug. Inter-gender friends may then perhaps progress to the male-female kiss of friendship. As their friendship deepens even further, their emotional communication may be further enhanced by a full kiss. Further on still, inter-gender friends may gain great pleasure from holding some of their conversations within the comfort of a relaxed cuddle.
The ultimate level of tactile communication is of course sex. This can be anything from light petting to full intercourse. Friends should only progress to a more advanced level of sexual intimacy when their intellectual and emotional intimacy has progressed at least to the point along the continuum of intimacy at which that particular kind of relating becomes appropriate and comfortable to both.
It is important to be aware, however, that the whole spectrum of tactile exchange is simply to enhance the intellectual and emotional connection facilitated by conversation and eye contact. So from the hand shake to the most intimate state of human coupling, good conversation and eye contact are key.
Summary
Friendship is a mutual intimacy of mind which we all naturally crave. Each of a pair of friends possesses within his or her mind a detailed mental model of the other. Friendship is possible between equal peers with compatible personalities who share a natural affinity and the same core values, interests, pleasures and aspirations. Friendship is created and sustained through an iterative cycle of building mutual trust through the love-motivated communication of progressively intimate personal thoughts and details. The result is an ever-closer and deeper intellectual and emotional resonance between two intimate minds, which is the ultimate element of creation.
Tuesday
The Color of Friendship
Friendships are an important part of life to all of us. We make friends, go through good times and bad, but yet stay friends for life. Friends are what make us "us".
Friendship mean life is Too Colorful,,,,,,,,Too Good,,,,,,,,TOO Enjoyful,,,,,,
Once upon a time,
The colors of the world
Started to quarrel.
All claimed they were the best,
The most important,
The most useful,
The favorite.
What the Say -- GREEN
"GREEN" said,
"Clearly I am the most important ...
I am the sign of life and of hope;
I was chosen for grass, trees and leaves,
Without me, all animals would die;
Look over the countryside
And you will see that I am in the majority."
What the Say -- Blue
"BLUE" interrupted,
"You only think about the earth,
But consider the sky and the sea ...
It is the water that is the basis of life
And it is drawn up by the clouds from the deep sea;
The sky gives space and peace and serenity,
Without my peace, you would all be nothing."
What the Say -- Yellow
"YELLOW" chuckled,
"You are all so serious ...
I bring laughter, gaiety, and warmth into the world,
The sun, the moon and the stars are all yellow;
Every time you look at a sunflower,
The whole world starts to smile,
Without me there would be no fun."
What the Say -- Orange
"ORANGE" started next to blow her trumpet ...
"I am the color of health and strength,
I may be scarce, but I am precious
For I serve the needs of human life,
I carry the most important vitamins;
Think of carrots, pumpkins, oranges, and mangoes,
I don't hang around all the time,
But when I do, I fill the sky at sunrise or sunset,
My beauty is so striking that no one gives
Another thought to any of you."
What the Say -- Red
"RED" could stand it no longer so he shouted out ...
"I am the ruler of all of you!
I am blood ... life's blood!
I am the color of danger and of bravery,
I am willing to fight for a cause,
I bring fire into the blood;
Without me, the earth would be as empty as the moon,
I am the color of passion and of love,
The red rose, the poinsettia and the poppy."
What the Say -- Purple
"PURPLE" rose up to his full height,
He was very tall and spoke with great pomp ...
"I am the color of royalty and power,
Kings, chiefs, and bishops have always chosen me
For I am the sign of authority and wisdom,
People do not question me! They listen and obey."
What the Say -- Indigo
Finally "INDIGO" spoke,
Much more quietly than all the others,
But with just as much determination ...
"Think of me. I am the color of silence,
You hardly notice me,
But without me you all become superficial;
I represent thought and reflection, twilight and deep water,
You need me for balance and contrast,
For prayer and inner peace."
And so the colors went on boasting,
Each convinced of his or her own superiority.
Their quarreling became louder and louder.
Suddenly there was a startling flash of bright lightning!
Thunder rolled and boomed!
Rain started to pour down relentlessly.
The colors crouched down in fear,
Drawing close to one another for comfort.
In the midst of the clamor, "RAIN" began to speak ...
"You foolish colors, fighting amongst yourselves,
Each trying to dominate the rest;
Don't you know that you were each made
For a special purpose, unique and different?
Join hands with one another and come to me."
Doing as they were told, the colors united and joined hands.
The rain continued,
"From now on, when it rains,
Each of you will stretch across the sky
In a great bow of color as a reminder
That you can all live in peace.
The Rainbow is a sign of hope for tomorrow."
"Love The Heart That Hurts You, But Never Hurt The Heart That Loves You"
Friendship mean life is Too Colorful,,,,,,,,Too Good,,,,,,,,TOO Enjoyful,,,,,,
Once upon a time,
The colors of the world
Started to quarrel.
All claimed they were the best,
The most important,
The most useful,
The favorite.
What the Say -- GREEN
"GREEN" said,
"Clearly I am the most important ...
I am the sign of life and of hope;
I was chosen for grass, trees and leaves,
Without me, all animals would die;
Look over the countryside
And you will see that I am in the majority."
What the Say -- Blue
"BLUE" interrupted,
"You only think about the earth,
But consider the sky and the sea ...
It is the water that is the basis of life
And it is drawn up by the clouds from the deep sea;
The sky gives space and peace and serenity,
Without my peace, you would all be nothing."
What the Say -- Yellow
"YELLOW" chuckled,
"You are all so serious ...
I bring laughter, gaiety, and warmth into the world,
The sun, the moon and the stars are all yellow;
Every time you look at a sunflower,
The whole world starts to smile,
Without me there would be no fun."
What the Say -- Orange
"ORANGE" started next to blow her trumpet ...
"I am the color of health and strength,
I may be scarce, but I am precious
For I serve the needs of human life,
I carry the most important vitamins;
Think of carrots, pumpkins, oranges, and mangoes,
I don't hang around all the time,
But when I do, I fill the sky at sunrise or sunset,
My beauty is so striking that no one gives
Another thought to any of you."
What the Say -- Red
"RED" could stand it no longer so he shouted out ...
"I am the ruler of all of you!
I am blood ... life's blood!
I am the color of danger and of bravery,
I am willing to fight for a cause,
I bring fire into the blood;
Without me, the earth would be as empty as the moon,
I am the color of passion and of love,
The red rose, the poinsettia and the poppy."
What the Say -- Purple
"PURPLE" rose up to his full height,
He was very tall and spoke with great pomp ...
"I am the color of royalty and power,
Kings, chiefs, and bishops have always chosen me
For I am the sign of authority and wisdom,
People do not question me! They listen and obey."
What the Say -- Indigo
Finally "INDIGO" spoke,
Much more quietly than all the others,
But with just as much determination ...
"Think of me. I am the color of silence,
You hardly notice me,
But without me you all become superficial;
I represent thought and reflection, twilight and deep water,
You need me for balance and contrast,
For prayer and inner peace."
And so the colors went on boasting,
Each convinced of his or her own superiority.
Their quarreling became louder and louder.
Suddenly there was a startling flash of bright lightning!
Thunder rolled and boomed!
Rain started to pour down relentlessly.
The colors crouched down in fear,
Drawing close to one another for comfort.
In the midst of the clamor, "RAIN" began to speak ...
"You foolish colors, fighting amongst yourselves,
Each trying to dominate the rest;
Don't you know that you were each made
For a special purpose, unique and different?
Join hands with one another and come to me."
Doing as they were told, the colors united and joined hands.
The rain continued,
"From now on, when it rains,
Each of you will stretch across the sky
In a great bow of color as a reminder
That you can all live in peace.
The Rainbow is a sign of hope for tomorrow."
"Love The Heart That Hurts You, But Never Hurt The Heart That Loves You"
Monday
The Meaning of Love
Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.
"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
"When someone loves you, the way she says your name is different. You know that your name is safe in her mouth."
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss but they look happy and sometimes they dance in the kitchen while kissing."
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."
"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared she won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only does she still love you, she loves you even more."
"There are 2 kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they've know each other so well."
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
"Love is-if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Don't feel so bad if you don't have a boyfriend. There's lots of stuff you can do without one."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsome than Robert Redford."
"If you want somebody to love you, then just be yourself. Some people try to act like somebody else, somebody the boy likes better. I think the boy isn't being very good if he does this to you and you should just find a nicer boy."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day"
"When you're born and see your mommy for the first time.
"Love is what makes people hide in the dark corners of movie theaters."
"Love goes on even when you stop breathing and you pick up where you left off when you reach heaven."
"My enemies taught me how to love."
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
"You have to fall in love before you get married. Then when you're married, you just sit around and read books together."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
"You never have to be lonely. There's always somebody to love, even if it's just a squirrel or a kitten."
"You can break love, but it won't die."
"We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge. People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.
Pause and ponder. Think before you act. Be patient. Forgive & forget. Love one and all.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them". -- Mother Teresa
Never take some one for granted,Hold every person Close to your Heart because you might wake up one day and realise that you have lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones."
Remember this always in life.
Thanks & Regards
Friend Forever
"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
"When someone loves you, the way she says your name is different. You know that your name is safe in her mouth."
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss but they look happy and sometimes they dance in the kitchen while kissing."
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."
"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared she won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only does she still love you, she loves you even more."
"There are 2 kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they've know each other so well."
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
"Love is-if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Don't feel so bad if you don't have a boyfriend. There's lots of stuff you can do without one."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsome than Robert Redford."
"If you want somebody to love you, then just be yourself. Some people try to act like somebody else, somebody the boy likes better. I think the boy isn't being very good if he does this to you and you should just find a nicer boy."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day"
"When you're born and see your mommy for the first time.
"Love is what makes people hide in the dark corners of movie theaters."
"Love goes on even when you stop breathing and you pick up where you left off when you reach heaven."
"My enemies taught me how to love."
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
"You have to fall in love before you get married. Then when you're married, you just sit around and read books together."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
"You never have to be lonely. There's always somebody to love, even if it's just a squirrel or a kitten."
"You can break love, but it won't die."
"We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge. People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.
Pause and ponder. Think before you act. Be patient. Forgive & forget. Love one and all.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them". -- Mother Teresa
Never take some one for granted,Hold every person Close to your Heart because you might wake up one day and realise that you have lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones."
Remember this always in life.
Thanks & Regards
Friend Forever
Friendship Forever
Friendship Forever
Just like a rose,
so precious and rare,
is the forever friendship
the two of us share.
~
Planted with kindness,
it's warmed by the sun
of caring and sharing,
laughter and fun.
~
It's grounded in trust
and nurtured by love,
with a sprinkling of grace
from God up above.
~
Tears of sadness and joy,
like dew,
renew this friendship
I share with you.
~
And in the heart's garden,
we find the room
to be ourselves,
to grow and bloom.
~
A blessing
of beauty unsurpassed,
our friendship's a flower
that will always last.
Friends Are Like Angels
Friends Are Like Angels Our friends are like angels,
Who brighten our days. In all kinds of wonderful, Magical ways.
Their thoughtfulness comes, As a gift from above.
And we feel we're surrounded, By warm, caring love.
Like upside-down rainbows, Their smiles bring the sun.
And they fill ho-hum moments, With laughter and fun.
Friends are like angels, Without any wings.
Blessing our lives, With the most precious things.
A FRIEND FROM ABOVE....
I prayed for you before we met,
Not knowing who you'd be.
I asked the Lord to send a friend.
One chosen just for me.
I asked that they'd be Godly,
With wisdom of His ways.
A friend to help and guide me
In the troubles of these days.
So often in life, we need someone
To listen while we talk.
Someone who will not condemn or judge,
But encourage us as we walk.
The narrow road we choose to follow
May sometimes make us stumble.
But to have a friend to catch our fall,
Teaches us to be humble.
When I asked the Lord to send a friend,
Though many came and went.
He gave much more than I ever asked,
For you are the friend He sent.
wanna be your friend
Who brighten our days. In all kinds of wonderful, Magical ways.
Their thoughtfulness comes, As a gift from above.
And we feel we're surrounded, By warm, caring love.
Like upside-down rainbows, Their smiles bring the sun.
And they fill ho-hum moments, With laughter and fun.
Friends are like angels, Without any wings.
Blessing our lives, With the most precious things.
A FRIEND FROM ABOVE....
I prayed for you before we met,
Not knowing who you'd be.
I asked the Lord to send a friend.
One chosen just for me.
I asked that they'd be Godly,
With wisdom of His ways.
A friend to help and guide me
In the troubles of these days.
So often in life, we need someone
To listen while we talk.
Someone who will not condemn or judge,
But encourage us as we walk.
The narrow road we choose to follow
May sometimes make us stumble.
But to have a friend to catch our fall,
Teaches us to be humble.
When I asked the Lord to send a friend,
Though many came and went.
He gave much more than I ever asked,
For you are the friend He sent.
wanna be your friend
Sunday
RELATIONSHIP SECRETS
RELATIONSHIP SECRETS
BEST FRIENDS
Be best friends preferably before being boyfriend-girlfriend.
Take time to know each other so the relationship will be a deep one.
Tell each other about your crushes, dreams and problems.
Make sure he/she is your best friend before getting engaged.
The strong bond of friendship will help you both survive tough times.
ANNIVERSARIES
Always celebrate! Whether it's the 1st or the 50th, each year together is
a triumph.
APPRECIATION
Let each other know how much you appreciate each other.
You may already know but hearing it from each other is always better.
BOND
Make it a point to spend time together often but leave room for each other. Also spend time alone w/ each other, so that at the end of the day you could both share your experiences. This way, you stay interesting with your partner.
CHANGING EACH OTHER
Don't marry an as...le, j.... or a bi.... (an unsuitable person) You'll never change each other.
COMPLIMENTS
Always compliment each other.
This will prevent feelings of resentment & thinking that one is being taken for granted.
DATE
Keep doings things that you both enjoy, do them together.
Make time & continue to date to keep the romance - look good, smell good to maintain physical attraction
DIFFERENCES
Celebrate differences. Never force your ideologies down each other's throat. Give up trying to turn your partner into you. Accept differences, appreciate them.
FIGHTS
Fight w/the aim to resolve the issue. Don't outdo each other.
The longer you extend the fight. The more chances that you'll say something hurtful that you don't really mean. As mad as you were w/ your partner, he/she is still the person who laughs at your jokes & thinks you're hot.
Hear each other out, don't dig up old issues. Choose your battles.
Make sure the fight will be worth it & that something will change in the relationship as a result of the fight.
FLAWS
Know that the perfect person does not exist.
Know that just as there are things that you love about him/her, there will be things that will make you go crazy. We are only human with our own flaws.
FUN
Have fun together! This means keeping the fun & spontaneity that was there in the early days.
Allow yourselves to get silly - shower together, pee w/the door open etc. Being able to make each other laugh & see the lighter, crazier, absurd side is the best way to get through all the differences in personalities, adjustments in lifestyle & opposing viewpoints.
GOALS
Make sure you have similar goals.
It would be difficult to keep your bond intact if your views are complete opposite.
GRUDGES
Quit tabulating grudges. Let it off. Discuss it, then trash it, don't recycle it.
KEEPING IT HOT
Keep it hot by traveling to diff. places together.
A new setting will do wonders. Always have skin contact - be it holding hands, a massage or just plain leg rubbing.
HONESTY
Don't lie or hide things. The problem will only get bigger.
KNOW EACH OTHER
Learn each other's interest. It really keeps the conversation flowing!
HUG
A hug can be far better more intimate than a kiss.
IDENTITY
Don't lose your personality - that's why he/she fell in love w/you.
Have separate interest & activities to keep your individual, & to be able to contribute more to the relationship.
INDEPENDENCE
Having your own income means you're the boss in your life.
IN-LAWS
Make rooms for the in-laws.
INTENTIONS
Wish each other well. Don't wish each other worst
ISSUES
Speak up about the awkward stuff now,like money & sex. The earlier, the better.
LISTEN
Listen, listen, listen. Hear each other out especially during arguments.
LOOK GOOD
Mind your appearance! Stay fit & healthy for each other.
LOVE
It all boils down to your love, chemistry & respect for each other.
MEMORIES
Remind each other of the old days. Do something that you used to do for each other before.
It may even be corny but it made you two together.
Experience new things together- from dining into a new restaurant to experiencing street food together to exploring to new places. It's the little surprises that make great memories.
MIND READING
No matter how long you've been together, do not think that you can read each other's mind.
NEEDS
Be good to yourself,then be good to your partner.
That's what love is all about. Think about your partner. Will it make him/her happy?
Will she/he enjoy it? Consider each other's feelings.
Be very attentive & sensitive to each other's needs, physically & emotionally, that way your partner learns to do the same for you.
Never take your partner for granted.
PRIORITIES
If one says it's important, then it is! Prioritize each other among other things!
SPACE
Give each other space. Have dates with your girlfriends, have your boy's night out.
If you can't trust each other with this, then don't get married.
SORRY
Say sorry when you're wrong.
SURPRISES
No matter how long you've known each other, be open to surprises, both good or bad.
TEAMWORK
Think for two & always work as a team.
Consult each other before making a decision because everything will always affect both of you.
Strengthen couple power.
In many ways, we have to decide based on what is best for the relationship in favor of our individual selves.
SUPPORT
Support each other's dream. Be willing to follow your passions,
support your partner in his/her decisions & create new ones together.
Two heads are better than one.
TALK
Tell each other's stories. Life goes by so fast & its easy to see how easily couple can grow apart.
Whenever something funny, scary, exciting or juicy happened to you or to someone you know, tell each other about it & have your partner do the same. Keep each other in the loop of life, even by email if you have to.
BEST FRIENDS
Be best friends preferably before being boyfriend-girlfriend.
Take time to know each other so the relationship will be a deep one.
Tell each other about your crushes, dreams and problems.
Make sure he/she is your best friend before getting engaged.
The strong bond of friendship will help you both survive tough times.
ANNIVERSARIES
Always celebrate! Whether it's the 1st or the 50th, each year together is
a triumph.
APPRECIATION
Let each other know how much you appreciate each other.
You may already know but hearing it from each other is always better.
BOND
Make it a point to spend time together often but leave room for each other. Also spend time alone w/ each other, so that at the end of the day you could both share your experiences. This way, you stay interesting with your partner.
CHANGING EACH OTHER
Don't marry an as...le, j.... or a bi.... (an unsuitable person) You'll never change each other.
COMPLIMENTS
Always compliment each other.
This will prevent feelings of resentment & thinking that one is being taken for granted.
DATE
Keep doings things that you both enjoy, do them together.
Make time & continue to date to keep the romance - look good, smell good to maintain physical attraction
DIFFERENCES
Celebrate differences. Never force your ideologies down each other's throat. Give up trying to turn your partner into you. Accept differences, appreciate them.
FIGHTS
Fight w/the aim to resolve the issue. Don't outdo each other.
The longer you extend the fight. The more chances that you'll say something hurtful that you don't really mean. As mad as you were w/ your partner, he/she is still the person who laughs at your jokes & thinks you're hot.
Hear each other out, don't dig up old issues. Choose your battles.
Make sure the fight will be worth it & that something will change in the relationship as a result of the fight.
FLAWS
Know that the perfect person does not exist.
Know that just as there are things that you love about him/her, there will be things that will make you go crazy. We are only human with our own flaws.
FUN
Have fun together! This means keeping the fun & spontaneity that was there in the early days.
Allow yourselves to get silly - shower together, pee w/the door open etc. Being able to make each other laugh & see the lighter, crazier, absurd side is the best way to get through all the differences in personalities, adjustments in lifestyle & opposing viewpoints.
GOALS
Make sure you have similar goals.
It would be difficult to keep your bond intact if your views are complete opposite.
GRUDGES
Quit tabulating grudges. Let it off. Discuss it, then trash it, don't recycle it.
KEEPING IT HOT
Keep it hot by traveling to diff. places together.
A new setting will do wonders. Always have skin contact - be it holding hands, a massage or just plain leg rubbing.
HONESTY
Don't lie or hide things. The problem will only get bigger.
KNOW EACH OTHER
Learn each other's interest. It really keeps the conversation flowing!
HUG
A hug can be far better more intimate than a kiss.
IDENTITY
Don't lose your personality - that's why he/she fell in love w/you.
Have separate interest & activities to keep your individual, & to be able to contribute more to the relationship.
INDEPENDENCE
Having your own income means you're the boss in your life.
IN-LAWS
Make rooms for the in-laws.
INTENTIONS
Wish each other well. Don't wish each other worst
ISSUES
Speak up about the awkward stuff now,like money & sex. The earlier, the better.
LISTEN
Listen, listen, listen. Hear each other out especially during arguments.
LOOK GOOD
Mind your appearance! Stay fit & healthy for each other.
LOVE
It all boils down to your love, chemistry & respect for each other.
MEMORIES
Remind each other of the old days. Do something that you used to do for each other before.
It may even be corny but it made you two together.
Experience new things together- from dining into a new restaurant to experiencing street food together to exploring to new places. It's the little surprises that make great memories.
MIND READING
No matter how long you've been together, do not think that you can read each other's mind.
NEEDS
Be good to yourself,then be good to your partner.
That's what love is all about. Think about your partner. Will it make him/her happy?
Will she/he enjoy it? Consider each other's feelings.
Be very attentive & sensitive to each other's needs, physically & emotionally, that way your partner learns to do the same for you.
Never take your partner for granted.
PRIORITIES
If one says it's important, then it is! Prioritize each other among other things!
SPACE
Give each other space. Have dates with your girlfriends, have your boy's night out.
If you can't trust each other with this, then don't get married.
SORRY
Say sorry when you're wrong.
SURPRISES
No matter how long you've known each other, be open to surprises, both good or bad.
TEAMWORK
Think for two & always work as a team.
Consult each other before making a decision because everything will always affect both of you.
Strengthen couple power.
In many ways, we have to decide based on what is best for the relationship in favor of our individual selves.
SUPPORT
Support each other's dream. Be willing to follow your passions,
support your partner in his/her decisions & create new ones together.
Two heads are better than one.
TALK
Tell each other's stories. Life goes by so fast & its easy to see how easily couple can grow apart.
Whenever something funny, scary, exciting or juicy happened to you or to someone you know, tell each other about it & have your partner do the same. Keep each other in the loop of life, even by email if you have to.
Friend Forever
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